SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

Just wanted to check in with my thoughts.

I’m doing ok I think, I’ve come to a place where I’m not consumed by pain constantly, I still have triggers and intrusive thoughts but they don’t get the same reaction as they once did, I still have mental chatter in my head sometimes but again that doesn’t have the same reaction as before, it’s just noise really and the only time I notice it in my body is if I’m tired, stressed or hormonal.
Every now and then I get a painful trigger and it’s usually because I’m completely happy and enjoying life and I suddenly remember or am reminded of something and I’m like ‘oh shit that happened’ it hurts for a bit and I’ll move on.
I’ve realised this is part of my life now, my brain will probably always remind me of what happened because that’s its job. I have a name for her, my brain that is, she’s loud ( she always has been) annoying and she doesn’t STFU, Becky, she’s called Becky, but she’s lovely, she tries her best.

Everything I need is in place, I feel that because of that my internal alarm system is going off, my H is now in a place he can talk about everything, at any time, without fail. We’ve had some horrible, painful, horrific soul destroying conversations over the past year or so and now we can talk about the most horrible things that have happened in our marriage and it’s kind of normal if that makes sense.
I explained to my H the other day that every time I feel warm and closeness towards him Becky quickly likes to remind me that
A) remember what he did to us Bruce
B) look at his family, it’s all of them.
C) you know what the saying is, once a cheater always a cheater.
And I’ve quickly built a case as to why I should never allow myself to feel close to you ever again. I used to like this, I didn’t want to be close to you but I don’t like it anymore.
Closeness to you feels like handing you a loaded gun.
My H said something that send me crackers, he said, it’s ok Bruce, you keep your gun it’s fine, you don’t have to hand me anything, it’s ok you can take your time, I’m here.
This should be of comfort to me but my brain was expecting something along the lines of him explaining to me a million reasons as to why I should be close to him etc and then I’d naturally dig my heels in, pout, cross my arms and stand my ground.

I’m going to have to allow him back in, I don’t know how to. I’ve tried bargaining with myself as to how it will be just fine living like this, he’s my best friend but I’m kind of an all or nothing kind of girl.

I need to be brave don’t I?

Bruce123

Closeness to you feels like handing you a loaded gun.

This really landed with me because that is such a good way of explaining it. It is not that you do not want closeness or that you are trying to punish him - it is that closeness now feels like risk because your body remembers what happened the last time you felt safe.

it’s ok Bruce, you keep your gun it’s fine, you don’t have to hand me anything, it’s ok you can take your time, I’m here.

I can understand why that sent your brain spinning because sometimes when they do not push back it takes away the argument your nervous system was preparing for. But from the outside it sounds like he gave you something important there - not pressure, not defensiveness, not a demand that you hurry up and be close again, just space and steadiness.

Maybe brave does not have to mean handing him everything at once...maybe brave can just mean noticing that part of you wants closeness again and letting that be there without forcing it or fighting it.

I think Becky is trying to protect you because she knows what it cost you last time. She may always be loud but maybe over time she does not have to drive the whole car.

To answer your last question, you are already brave.

You’re already a badass to be strong enough to heal — while trying to figure what you want and need.

None of it is easy and you have worked hard on you and healed up, gained healthy perspectives and seem to be perfectly willing to let go of any specific outcome. All good steps.

Being vulnerable with the person who hurt you is the toughest ground to cross when trying to reconcile.

I was definitely an all or nothing guy, and voted least likely to R (even by my wife) in life.

Once I knew I would be fine, with or without my M, I got to be more of a neutral observer.

By that I mean, my final phase of R was watching my wife’s work, watching her consistent actions and changes and looking to see if that would all be enough.

I kind of fell back in with her simply by watching and waiting.

But, I didn’t want to observe too long, as life is short.

So, I took the leap. Just like I did the first time at the start of the relationship.

Jumped back, all in.

I’m good being all in, because if for any reason, the M goes away, I know I will be fine. If I’m going to stay, it has to be the best relationship possible, which includes my investment in it.

You’re not on a clock.

Take it at your own pace, as you have so far.

You’ll let him in or not, and based on that strength you’ve shown so far, you really know (somewhere in there) you will be good regardless of the result.

I like the Becky Bruce duet, it’s a fun way to visualize you finding your center.

I sensed the emotions, I think I got you.

Bruce and Becky, what you feel is the gravity from sensing safety pulling you in and the trauma from the sexual and emotional abuse you suffered doing its job, pushing you away.

Becky and Bruce just found again some sense of balance and center, and now something happened in the wayward that changed from radioactive poison into "maybe is safe" conundrum.

This kicks you off center again, because he may be safe and ready to finally meet you, or maybe he just learned how to mask the flaws and is as Becky says, a loaded gun ready to shoot you again at the first chance.

First: what’s your feeling? Gravity and attraction? How does your nerve system feels whenever you allow some degree of intimacy of any kind? Relaxation or anxiety?

I am sure you and Becky might feel a bit of both, but one is stronger, use your emotional compass to answer it.

Second: there is a "trick". It is called more or less appropriately "surrender" . Not as in give, up, but as I. Accept.

I see as I see you, not what you want to show or what I want to see.

This is the kind of surrender that empowers you to allow others in without the fear of the devastation they could bring. Because your eyes now can see, so you are conscious of who they are, what they can do and what you can do if they disrespect your new center’s boundaries.

You are no longer following the currents, you ARE the current now.

If you can be emotionally nourished by a,knowing him in again, on your own rules, you don’t have to be brave now, for you are no longer blind. You need to be aware.

You come first.

Hi Bruce,

I am not sure if I followed you altogether. But if I did, here are some thoughts. It seems like you are progressing on the normal recovery path. Things heal slowly. There are up and down. As your brain and body process and work through things over and over and over ....they begin to hold less power over you.

Regarding your husband's response, I can completely understand your not feeling the best about it. You want him to pursue you and he should. Even if you resist and pout. He needs to show you he is willing some after you.

Tell him that. Tell him your heart wants to be pursued. Not given time. Teach him how to help and comfort you. Teach him over and over. Thanks for checking in.

Thank you all for your replies ❤️

I am happy with my healing, I’m nowhere near where I want to be but I understand that it’s going to take time, I guess because I’m no longer reacting the same way, this is obviously causing some confusion with Becky, she wants to know why things that sent me spiralling no longer have the power to, they’re just ‘Becky my love, I know what you’re trying to do sweetheart but we don’t have time for that today’, she used to be persistent but now she seems bored and gives up easily.

I think that I never expected my H to do the work, to face himself and really want to change, not only want but to be passionate about working on himself, obviously that has put me in a position of well, so what now?, I’m always watching and waiting for a sign or a glimpse of the guy I used to know but he seems to have gone.

I know wholeheartedly that I’ll be fine with or without my H.

You make a great deal of sense Bruce, but if I may...I would encourage you that in order to give recovery the best shot, since you are hanging in there for the time being anyway.....TELL HIM exactly what you need and why.

That way there is no misunderstanding. If he has clear objectives, and knows if he does not meet them, you will not feel cherished and hence not want to continue....then maybe he will see and realize and choose to do the right thing.

Who knows....maybe his emotional intelligence is extremely low. It does not mean that it cannot get better....it can. But you may be the catalyst that helps that happen.

If you do choose of course.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 6:41 PM, Monday, September 14th]

I think it sounds like you are on the precipice of acceptance.

The same way your husband is accepting you need to keep your gun, he accepts he created damage and that he is going to have to be solid and be able to roll with the punches.

Accepting it happened is not the same as condoning it. According how you feel releases the resistance.

When I feel anxious instead of trying to feel less anxious I say "I feel anxious right know and that’s okay to feel that way"

There is a conflict in the cognitive dissonance of reconciliation. When you struggle between the opposing views or feelings. Acceptance is flow and in that state you can make peace with the conflict. It’s a gift to you far before it becomes a gift also to him.

It’s progress. And it’s good enough for this moment. And this moment is all that exists for perpetuity. That’s how I manage things and I hear that in what you wrote even if it’s slightly different.