SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, new here, although I wish I’d stumbled across this community the last time, and the last… And so on. I’m sorry in advance if this comes across as a massive info dump, I’m still in shock and I don’t think my brain is functioning properly (I’m also AUDHD so bear with!)

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now, we’re not married and no children. We have a couple of dogs, live together and run a business together. We started living together extremely quickly due to Covid and lockdown, quicker than I would have liked. Looking back I was so naive, insecure etc. Every ex I’ve had has been a cheat, and growing up I was exposed to my father cheating on my mother, I have almost normalised it.

The first incident happened early on. It was a fresh relationship, but I eventually still gave him the benefit of the doubt. There had been a crossover at the beginning of our relationship, he came clean about everything (something I wasn’t used to) and told the other woman he couldn’t see her anymore. I broke up with him, but we ended up reconciling. In hindsight I should have walked away early on but I was extremely immature in my 20’s and in desperate need of therapy due to childhood trauma.

Over the years there have been a number of other women that have contacted me to say they have been seeing him/sleeping with him. One had been over the course of a couple of weeks and once he had slept with her he was outed by somebody unknown to me (throwaway account on social media). He never saw or spoke to her again as far as I was aware and called it off infront of me. Within days there was another big reveal. A woman known to me (through work) approached me and said she’d been having a 2 year affair with him. She knew about me the whole time, and he had called it off with her THAT DAY (!) stating he wanted to be with me and make things work, so needed to stop contact with her. So, she finally decided to reach out to me, out of sheer spite. She took joy in revealing the affair to me. I spiralled, had a complete mental breakdown and I ended up in trauma therapy for 2 years.

Despite all of this, I listened to his promises, even though his actions still didn’t really align. I was stuck in a number of ways, he loves our dogs so much and they love him, which naturally makes me feel guilty. We run a successful business together so through every crisis, work has had to come first and the show must go on, bills to be paid, etc etc. I ended up getting myself into a lot of debt trying to just ‘cope’. I have horses which are my absolute world and something I genuinely rely on to keep me going through the bullshit (but they are expensive and a luxury, I know). My lifestyle became incredibly hard to financially maintain due to my brain completely switching off through the mountain of trauma I was dealing with, therefore getting behind on basic bills, and effecting my credit score so badly that I’m now trying to claw my way out of complete financial destruction. I can’t even leave and get another place easily due to this.

And then last weekend - the next blow. Another woman. A mutual of ours reached out to me, in fact hounded me, demanding I speak to her friend who has been seeing him for a year without my knowledge. This went on all through the night, me in utter despair, the other woman harrassing me over social media and him spilling every sickening detail in the hopes of forgiveness. It ended at the beginning of this year, but she has only just discovered me, his long suffering partner.

She is demanding answers, insisting I speak to her, sending pictures and videos of them. I haven’t said a word to her, I have been in a state of shock and disbelief, anger, resentment, how could he do this to me AGAIN?! I don’t want to speak to her. I have seen and heard every detail through the mutual connection and my partner has come clean. The ap made a post on a public group on social media, exposing him, that evening. I was ripped to shreds in the comments by women who don’t know me, and even tagged, discussing how I must be so insecure to constantly forgive his behaviour. These people have no idea about my personal circumstances, yet I feel so judged. Believe me if I could have upped and left, I would have by now. I’m a very private person so the post in particular affected me deeply, ontop of the affair.

I don’t know what I wanted to achieve from this post! I just needed somewhere to vent my frustration with others who get it. Thankyou for reading if you got this far, and I apologise if it was scattered, my brain is so tired x

Oh Kokoloko, I’m so sorry that you have to have found this community, but I’m glad you did. You have been treated so appallingly.

First things first, you need to get tested for STDs. It sounds like you do not intend to reconcile this time, but if there’s a chance you may be intimate again, then he will need to as well.

Make sure to eat and stay hydrated. See a doctor about getting sleep aids, and anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicine if you need them. If you can’t go riding, get some other kind of exercise.

See a lawyer to understand your rights. Are you on the lease? If you split up, how will you manage the business going forward?

Is there really nowhere you can go to get away from him? A friend, family, whatever?

Those people on social media fucking suck. How dare they flame you! Like you weren’t suffering enough? You weren’t the one who cheated! What the fuck did you ever do to the AP? What a psychotic asshole.

What they don’t know that we here know is that it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault for trusting him and being deceived. It’s not your fault he cheated. Nothing you did caused him to do it, and nothing you didn’t do could have prevented it. Cheaters cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not the person they betray.

I’m am glad you are leaving this guy. At a minimum, he’s been cheating for at least half of the 7 years you’ve been together. The dogs love him because they recognize one of their own.

Learn the 180, it’s in the healing library. Consider learning the Grey Rock. You have been lied to enough by this man, stop talking to him.

I’m sorry you’re suffering, Koko. Sending support your way. You’re amongst friends here, and you have been heard.

The first word that came to mind was RUN! He is an addict. This is who he is and what he does. The stress of living with him is going to make you sick. I am not exaggerating.. You need out of that however you can.
You CAN’T fix what wrong with him. You can’t change him. The ONLY thing you can change is your address. Start saving money. Open a small savings account and feed it whenever you can. Make some plans and stick to them.
I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You wrote something very important. You said your father’s cheating normalized this kind of behavior for you. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome because you have never known a stable life. Please make time to visit AlAnon or the one for drug addicts. Ask if there are any groups who have members living with sex addicts. You need someone holding your hand as you make your way out of this very toxic relationship.
Please eat healthy and see a dr for anxiety meds if you need them.
Sending you a virtual hug.

The first word that came to mind was RUN! He is an addict. This is who he is and what he does. The stress of living with him is going to make you sick. I am not exaggerating.. You need out of that however you can.
You CAN’T fix what wrong with him. You can’t change him. The ONLY thing you can change is your address. Start saving money. Open a small savings account and feed it whenever you can. Make some plans and stick to them.
I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You wrote something very important. You said your father’s cheating normalized this kind of behavior for you. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome because you have never known a stable life. Please make time to visit AlAnon or the one for drug addicts. Ask if there are any groups who have members living with sex addicts. You need someone holding your hand as you make your way out of this very toxic relationship.
Please ear healthy and see a dr for anxiety meds if you need them.
Sending you a virtual hug.

The first word that came to mind was RUN! He is an addict. This is who he is and what he does. The stress of living with him is going to make you sick. I am not exaggerating.. You need out of that however you can.
You CAN’T fix what wrong with him. You can’t change him. The ONLY thing you can change is your address. Start saving money. Open a small savings account and feed it whenever you can. Make some plans and stick to them.
I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You wrote something very important. You said your father’s cheating normalized this kind of behavior for you. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome because you have never known a stable life. Please make time to visit AlAnon or the one for drug addicts. Ask if there are any groups who have members living with sex addicts. You need someone holding your hand as you make your way out of this very toxic relationship.
Please ear healthy and see a dr for anxiety meds if you need them.
Sending you a virtual hug.

Thankyou for your kind responses, it’s honestly a relief to have found somewhere I can express myself freely, with no judgement! Huge overshare incoming…

I have an appointment booked for an STD check, I know he hasn’t used protection as the AP has claimed they ‘were trying for a baby’. I have confronted him over this, he denies it vehemently, however the last AP before this one made the same claim (I know ) On the same note I have seen their text messages where he stated over the course of the year that they could never be together, and he didn’t want a relationship with her. I assume this is why she’s gone full psycho and posted online attacking me. She seems unhinged anyway, from what I know. Would you advise I speak to her directly? I have totally avoided it - reason being I have seen all the evidence (due to the mutual who initially reached out to me) and he has come clean and shown me the affair was over months ago. He says the only reason he has stayed in light contact is due to her constant threats of harming herself, which I’ve also seen evidence of. He says he blocks her and then she reaches out from different accounts. I don’t feel like any good will come of speaking to her, and the thought of it makes me sick.. especially as I’ve already had to see naked pictures of them in bed together (mutual sent a whole album of pics and vids over).

I seriously would love to run right now if I could. I don’t have anybody around me I can truly lean on at this moment in time. My very best friend is going through something similar, if not worse, with 2 babies, so we’re not very useful to eachother. My parents.. That’s a whole other issue . I have promised myself over and over that once these debts are cleared and I have myself financially back on track I’ll get out with the dogs. I flit between this fantasy of leaving finally and going it alone, or just staying and separating my life from his, because it’s easier in some ways. I am currently studying the healing section of this site to help me get through this rough period, and thrown myself back into riding, socialising etc.

He has made a ton of promises. He tells me he loves me, he cares about me more than he ever has for anyone. He says I’m his best friend. He says it will never happen again and it kills him to see me so upset… blah blah. He’s also said he’s cheated on every partner he’s ever had and he recognises that he’s a shitty person. This man has blocked me from all social media platforms for the last few years because he said ‘I can’t behave’ (I would find him following random women constantly after nights out). There is no way in hell I would ever be able to get anyway near his phone, let alone him allow me access to it. It’s glued to him, and when it’s not it’s locked and face down ALWAYS.

On reflection I also haven’t been the best partner for the last couple of years, we’ve slept in separate rooms. Intimacy went out the window around the same time, we don’t hug or kiss, there’s no affection. I have always been 100% loyal, but I am extremely avoidant with him now so I always knew this day would come again. He says he struggles with the fact I don’t show him any affection, he hates that we sit at opposite ends of the couch and can’t share a bed, he craves the affection that I don’t give him etc. It’s a vicious cycle of me starting to feel ready to be close again, and then getting the gut feeling something isn’t right - and my gut turns out to always be right! It’s really weird to think of him as a sex addict, I don’t know why I hadn’t considered it. My father was a sex addict and that was half the reason I ended up in trauma therapy as an adult. It’s like I’m reliving this cycle over and over again!

Anyway thankyou for letting me vent again. This is cathartic <3

On reflection I also haven’t been the best partner for the last couple of years, we’ve slept in separate rooms. Intimacy went out the window around the same time, we don’t hug or kiss, there’s no affection. I have always been 100% loyal, but I am extremely avoidant with him now so I always knew this day would come again. He says he struggles with the fact I don’t show him any affection, he hates that we sit at opposite ends of the couch and can’t share a bed, he craves the affection that I don’t give him etc. It’s a vicious cycle of me starting to feel ready to be close again, and then getting the gut feeling something isn’t right - and my gut turns out to always be right! It’s really weird to think of him as a sex addict, I don’t know why I hadn’t considered it. My father was a sex addict and that was half the reason I ended up in trauma therapy as an adult. It’s like I’m reliving this cycle over and over again!

This is a trap I fight myself. We had intimacy issues in our marriage mainly because I was chemically castrated. It's still not my fault that my wife made the decisions she did. You need to stop blaming yourself for his decisions. Doubly so for you because part of the reason you feel distant is because of his infidelities!

There is never, ever an excuse for infidelity! Never. You need to understand and really believe that. Do not take any blame for his choices. No matter what is going on in your marriage he has an unlimited number of choices to deal with it that don't include cheating. He could start by not cheating and lying and try to make you feel safe and reassured if he wants the closeness and intimacy to return. That's if you're even capable of getting over it.

Do not talk to the AP. I can’t see any upside for you. She’s clearly mental. No good with come out of it, it’s not like you could believe a word she says anyway. She’s made it clear that she wants to hurt you by attacking you publicly. You’d be a fool to give her more opportunities to harm you.

You and your BFF should move in together.

As for your WP, he’s clearly an unsafe partner. He blocks you on his social media? He won’t offer you transparency EVEN NOW, when he’s trying to keep you? If he recognizes he’s a shitty person, what’s he doing to, you know, not be one? Is he in therapy? Is he offering ideas of how to rebuild trust? Even his apologies are selfish - it kills him to see you upset - it’s all about how he feels.

Scoff at his promises, he made the same promises the last time.

Concentrate on yourself and your healing. Do the 180 to protect yourself and get clarity, even though you already know you don’t want to be with him any more.

friend,

YOu are in a toxic relationship. This is not healthy. He is purposefully isolating you so that it is harder for you to get away. He will make it harder for you to get your ducks in a row- you may sabotage that even - because it does not benefit him.

And nothing you have done caused him to cheat. NOTHING. You may have been a terrible partner - doesn’t matter. No excuse.

Please look at his actions ONLY and ignore his words. He lies and then lies some more. You cannot trust his words. His actions tell a different story - isolating and controlling you, cheating and risking your health, risking your financial health (if the AP has a baby, he’d be financially responsible at the very least).

What if you and your bestie combine forces and move in together and support each other?

Are you in IC? It would be good to dig in to why you have accepted this behavior for so long, how your FOO has influenced your decisions, and help you build the strength to make different decisions. You deserve better.