SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

So I've got myself into a very bad habit. I know the woman my partner cheated on me with and I know where she lives. Myself and my partner have been honest and said we would start a fresh, however I find myself driving past her street to see if his car is there, or I drive past her street to see if he will come out (it's a dead end and has a bend).

I am honestly not a stalker but it's something my mind is trying to do to keep me safe and trying to find something as a 'I told you so', almost a protection strategy.

I never go near the house or knock on the door. I'm aware how unhealthy it is but it's starting to become a real habit. I don't not trust him but I don't trust him, I'm just scared of being hurt again, you know?

That sounds normal.

Does he share his location with you on his cell phone? Maybe you could put one of those magnetic tracking devices on his car, too. That way if you want to check on his whereabouts, you don't physically have to be there to see... Only, if you catch yourself staring at your phone or checking constantly, I'd say work with your IC to reduce the need.

No, at the moment he's got a second job doing deliveries to earn some extra money so it's really hard to wonder if he would be there for her or for his deliveries.

I'm just worried it's becoming unhealthy, like I'm driving past this street multiple times and it's impacting my life, but I wasn't sure if it was normal. I'd also question that the surveillance only gives me temporary relief, then it adds did I miss him? Maybe he's going later? Maybe he's parked somewhere else etc? When would it ever be enough? You know.

You are still so fresh - this is normal. But keep an eye on it. It can get unhealthy.

Is there some other thing your WS can do for extra money? His being out and untraceable is really adding to your anxiety.

We understand this behavior. While it’s not helping you heal it’s also something you do to protect yourself.

It might take some time before you completely recover and stop doing this. And your cheater needs to allow you to put some controls in place to help you stop this behavior.

Others have suggested a tracking app or even an AirTag on his vehicle. Maybe having that will help you to stop the physical drive by routine you have going on.

Keep posting here — we will support you.

SophieLou,

I found myself stalking Facebook pages of his affair partners. I called one of them several times. I did call two others.

It’s hard to wrap your head around things, and I think that the reason I did all of that was because I was trying to understand WHY he did this by somehow looking at his affair partners and getting more information about them would answer my questions.

It didn’t do that. I could look at them and say, "yes, she is skinner" about one, or "she has a better tan" about another. I could see that none of them had much intellectual capacity to offer. None of them lived an exceptional life. One WS taller, one more athletic, one petite, two overweight…there was no common thread - except that NOT ONE OF THEM WAS BETTER THAN I AM.

And the answer kind of sneaked up on me.

None of his affairs were about the other woman.

Not one of those women even mattered much to him at all, really. Even the one emotional affair was full of lies and deception on both their sides.

No, the affairs were not about the other women. And they weren’t about how I stacked up against them, either.

His affairs had nothing to do with them, and nothing to do with me.

He had affairs because he wanted to fill his ego, have "excitement" in his sex life, and because the opportunity presented itself - no work, no commitment, no obligations, and 100% fantasyland.

He felt desired and like he could pretend to be anything he wanted. A fake world.

He sees that now.

I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. It does. In fact, one of the things that hurts the most is that he was willing to trash a 50 year marriage over people he doesn’t even care about. Makes me feel "less than" for sure,