SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive been posting on here on and off with my situation, So - it turns out I was right all along and more - STBXH has been leading a total double life and its worse than I ever could of imagined. I have been dragged through the mud completely. Alsorts has come out. Hes been leading a double life since around jan.

Full on physical affair for months, stringing ow along with lies (she is as heartbroken as I am and contacted me - this is how it has all come out ) and she has been portrayed by him to me as someone she isnt - hes fed her and work colleagues so so many lies. Told everyone we had split up and that he was with ow in a relationship.

Told them we were divorcing months ago, ow became more involved with him around jan/Feb.

i updated In here about his behaviour etc . Work colleagues thought we had split up and they were an item at work and on the socials (which now makes sense with other stuff I posted here ) he had even bought her rings and alsorts. He is a complete monster. Used two women, manipulated us both,fed us both utter lies and got kicks out of it. Sleeping with me as a husband then going to hers later on.

Ive had all the proof I need and more. Hundreds of screenshots off ow and even work colleagues the utter bullshit hes been hiding. Playing the victim saying his marriage was over. He is not right in the head at all.

I am just so so proud of myself that he moved out before all this blew up. Im also grateful for the ow for reaching out to me (I know this dosent always happen) and making me aware of everything thats going on. I feel violated, humiliated and more. Ive read so, so many things, i cannot believe who this man is 💔💔 a complete narcissist.

The level of betrayal is off the scale what hes done.

Im being stone with him and told him I dont even want to look at him and my family members will be here when he gets the rest of his stuff (which i feel like burning tbh ) I am not showing him i am hurting or angry. The satisfaction for me is he has been exposed for all to see. Everyone is as shocked as I am. He was planning to get with ow full time, asked her if he could move in with her in may (she said no) she became suspicious of him and which is why she reached out to me. Shes been strung along like i have. Told her he loves her etc and she fell for his charm and lies. When I was updating in my other thread about socials etc, everything makes sense now as she thought they were a couple. I was right all along.

I am a strong woman but this has completely destroyed me, its complete carnage. I just feel violated, a fool. all those times ive suspected and been gaslighted, played, how anyone can do this to people is beyond me. I also feel bad for the ow now as he made her out to be a homewrecker when she isnt, you can see with my previous posts how he was behaving. she genuinely thought we had split up, he has totally played us against each other, getting kicks. Just need to get through the next few weeks and he will be out of my life.

Does anyone have any uk advice with legal aid and when there has been emotional and sometimes physical abuse like this? As hes been aggressive towards me too 😞😞due to hiding everything

Any advice much appreciated xxx

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 7:12 AM, Sunday, July 5th]

not in the UK, but wanted to offer my support. Please call a few lawyers (solicitors?) on Monday - in the US they sometimes offer a one time free consultation. And ask friends- you must know people who are divorced. I remember calling a friend whose husband got demolished by his first wife’s divorce lawyer—. I asked her who that was I wanted the shark who would ensure that I got everything I am entitled to and knew how to keep him above board). I also emailed a local radio program where the host had discussed her lawyer and divorce and asked her who she used. 🤷‍♀️. This is now a business decision, so think of it like and put in your due diligence.

DO NOT feel dumb. SOOOOO many of us went through what you did. It’s just hard to believe our spouses were such good liars and such bad people. I think you are doing great, and when you put on your bitch boots and kicked him out, I cheered. This is hurtful, painful stuff but you are doing well through it. Just keep going.

(Also glad the OW reached out to you- rare, but glad to see she helped provide that final nail in the marital coffin, so to speak).

Hang in there, KCK. >^..^< You are a badass kittycat!

It is devastating to discover that the one person you believed you could implicitly trust, the one person who would always have your back, the one person who would never do anything to crush your soul, is capable of looking you in the eyes, saying I love you, and having an affair.

Suddenly you are looking at this person and wondering "Who did I really marry? Did I ever really know the real him/her?"

You are wise and strong to hold your ground and continue with the divorce proceedings. The other woman did the right thing reaching out to you. Many BS's are clueless about what their wife/husband is doing behind their backs. I waited five months to tell the wife of my wife's AP what her husband was doing with my wife and I regret waiting so long.

Stay strong!

So if I get it right in your case the other woman wasn’t an affair partner but just another victim of your husband’s just like you?

I think you might have found a "new friend" to rail against a degenerate narcissistic pig.

I am really sorry that you have to endure this crap but there are disgusting slugs in men’s clothing.

He is a pathological liar, a worm is a worm and unworthy of the time of a woman.
Think you are setting your self free from a fraud and it only shows your value and his nothingness.

He is less than a slut, time to leave him as naked as the worm he reavealed himself to be in the divorce.

Have no mercy if you have the chance, for he deserves none

If there’s physical abuse you call the police.

I just googled "UK battered women support" and there are loads of organizations that pop up. You may want to check one or two of those out.

On the practical side of things:
It’s my understanding that divorce/separation is generally more straight-forward in the UK and Europe compared to the USA. It’s more standardized, with clear definitions of what’s considered marital assets, pensions rights, savings and so on.
My first suggestion is relatively simple:
Using your last tax-return as a base, list all your known debts, his known debts, what credit-cards you (both) might have, what bank accounts, assets, pensions, house(s), vehicles… basically a financial inventory of where you are. Doesn’t have to be detailed yet but should give you a baseline to work with.

Second: Search online for divorce in your area. What applies. For example: that inheritance you got 2 years ago – is that marital property? What’s the process? What’s the first step, and the second and so on. Again – don’t need detail but enough to get you a baseline.

Third: It’s been suggested you contact a women’s shelter… Look around and you will find family-helplines, women’s helplines and such. Try calling one and ask them if they can guide you on how to initiate a divorce from an emotionally abusive marriage where your husband has deserted you. Worst outcome is they tell you to phone someone else. A more likely outcome is that they either have some consulting service or can direct you to one. Some even have a list of solicitors willing to work pro-bono or at a lower rate. These services are stacked by people that want to help.

Fourth: He’s fine with the present situation. He won’t initiate anything unless it’s to his advantage. At the same time, YOU are at risk. This might vary between countries, but as an example: He can run up a credit-card debt or not pay on his car-lease, and the bailiffs will be knocking at YOUR door because he’s still registered there. YOUR TV, YOUR laptop, YOUR furniture will be carted away to pay HIS debt. Initiating the divorce formally can create a fence that protects you from his present and future stupidities. So don’t take too much time in the first three steps and get to filing as soon as possible.

Fifth: The better prepared you are the less work the solicitor needs to do. This is where the first step comes in handy. Have your info ready, and ask the solicitor what info he needs. It’s better that you spend your time getting bank statements and photocopying, rather than the solicitor at a per-hour rate.

Sixth and final point: Detach emotionally and be realistic. IMHO a large part of the hassle in divorce is about emotional rather than practical issues. Like if he is legally entitled to half the value of the furniture that you so painstakingly selected and paid for, spending time arguing about that isn’t helpful.

I find that on occasion, I will get a potty mouth simply because I’m so frustrated. What you’ve just written about this person you are married to sounds like he is a total piece of shit. So this is how you deal with this. You’re going to have good days and you’re going to have bad days but he’s going to be a piece of shit every day for the rest of his life. That ought to get you going. Sorry SI folks but this man has just harmed two women. Lies are so corrosive and he’s a master at them.

I find that on occasion, I will get a potty mouth simply because I’m so frustrated. What you’ve just written about this person you are married to sounds like he is a total piece of shit. So this is how you deal with this. You’re going to have good days and you’re going to have bad days but he’s going to be a piece of shit every day for the rest of his life. That ought to get you going. Sorry SI folks but this man has just harmed two women. Lies are so corrosive and he’s a master at them.

You have nothing to be sorry for, I think it’s so obvious that the feeling is universally shared.

At least I fully subscribe to what you said.

bump by request

Hi all just an update. Since last posting things have got worse, im dealing with a very unhinged narcissist.

Currently going through divorce process. During the last 2 months he has continued to play me, manipulate, coerce lie and still be still involved with ow! Despite denying he was (again!!!!) Then he's started acting irrationally and unhinged.

Ive gone total grey rock.

Im a total mental mess with everything that has gone on 😞😞😞

Kitty I notice that he is still messing with the ow, so she didn’t shut him out as she seemed to want when she reached out to you.

I smell she is not just an other woman abused by your husband but this sounds more like she is a full fledged affair partner. Consider she might have been feeding the same bullshit stories your husband did, and that they are both one of a kind: pathetic cheaters.

Neither of them should matter for you, you come first and deserve better.

Your peace. Your center. Open yourself to love, self and wi5 a true partner if that’s what you want.

Yes your right backfromthestorm. I forgot to mention that I found more out that she lied to me too. She knew we were married and is full of shit too. And yes she got back in touch with him after everything came out and has been used by him again . I have no sympathy for her whatsoever. Def fully fledged affair partner in the know and has lied and manipulated things too . Definitely as pathetic as he is

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 3:48 PM, Thursday, September 17th]

Hello, I've somehow missed your story in JFO until now but I am very proud of you for having used Bigger's and everybody else's advice and seen a solicitor. Of course he would be a difficult customer in a divorce. If it helps any, I experienced injury from someone like your STBXWH; I met a man and danced with him the night he "said" he and his wife had just split up that very weekend and he had packed his bags and left her as a mutual decision. His family had an old home where I lived and he and she had been living at the far end of a big state, so it was too easy for naive me to buy his story. His estranged wife was already going through their divorce filings and she hired a private investigator to see if he was cheating (I have a feeling it was a pattern she had seen before). I ended up having to hire a lawyer to defend myself during a sworn deposition at her lawyer's office at their end of the state, regarding the precise date I'd met him, etc. (She thought I might have been in the picture before he ever left home, which was not the case, but he wasted no time "moving on.")

The shameful lesson I learned from that horror show as a single woman was that I would need to consider the state laws about marriage more seriously! I was told by my attorney that in our state, one is considered married until the divorce decree is signed, so the idea that separated people can date with no settlement agreement signed and notarized would be playing with fire. Although I got burned by someone like your STBXWH, I knew lots of single women would have thought him to be fair game. In fact, when I told him I could not see him under the circumstances, he moved on immediately to another "other" woman and she likewise had to testify. (I trusted too much because I had left my own former marriage so I tended to give a man the "benefit of the doubt" which with a LIAR, was a huge mistake.)

But now I'm wondering if this is the same OW who called you and told you all the bad stuff he did and you thought she was so heartbroken? If it is the same woman, how is it that she's okay with continuing to date him? I am not suggesting you drag her into anything, and laws in UK and the times are way different than back when I went through that. I just wonder about his family and what he was brought up to think about women, that he could be that callous.

(PS the XW of the guy I was involved with told me at court that it wasn't my fault and he had casually told me she had wanted him to take psychiatric medications. So that's how I learned that he was cracked in the head long before I ever met him.)

Stay strong and it would help you to find some real-life support for yourself. You are not alone.

Oh KittycatKitty, I see we just cross-posted and you answered what I had wondered about this supposedly victimized OW. When I was in shoes like hers I wanted nothing further to do with that man until his legal problems were behind him...but had I realized how mentally ill he already was at that time, I'd have just said "no" from the start! I hope this news has helped you regarding that OW so you don't need to be more entangled in her drama.

Some people just have these Freudian drives to steal other people's mates...it's hard to reconcile with adult sanity. (((KittycatKitty)))

Thank you superesse. Sorry you went through all that. Yep its the same ow. Same homewrecker who hes been involved with him from the start last summer. She is as delusional as he is. I told her everything in july, even where he has been abusive, and he had lied to her too in ways and yet she has still continued to be involved with him. More fool her. Unfortunately its me who has been the victim in all this and left with the fall out and his further unhinged behaviour recently. She can just walk away easily. Lucky her!

Divorce should be sorted come spring. I just feel a shell. Humiliated, betrayed, violated by him in every way. And her too. Horrible people

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 4:16 PM, Thursday, September 17th]