Ihopeyouaresomewhere (original poster new member #87083) posted at 12:21 AM on Sunday, March 29th, 2026
Told me had used only fans during covid (we were long distance) a few months ago- I wasn't happy but understood what distance can do...Then he told me a few months later he had ordered a few more- I told him it needs to stop. Things were fine until one night he came home distraught begging to see a dominatrix and that he was a submissive guy who needed to have this experience..I said I'd like to try....He kept wanting this weekly check ins when we would discuss our relationship- they always just ended with him try to manipulate me into seeing a dom. I told him I'm sick of this and the conversation needs to be parked until we can figure out our own self life- he has had a soft penis for 2 or 3 years (I put this down to work stress..I was aware he used porn but didn't know to what degree) - Anyway, a week later (After his therapist told him to) told me he had had a video call with this dom...Turns out there was a specific woman he was obsessed with who 'understood his kinks '...After that, I moved into a sublet..I told him to not masturbate or watch porn for 90 days...I believe he is sticking to that because I have seen him complain about poor sleep and begged in a couple's therapy to wank (This caused the sexoloigist to diagnose him on the spot..She said you sound like an alcoholic asking for another hit).gradually over the month things started to become more settled between us ...Then he dropped another bombshell that he had had three calls with this dom...beginning at Christmas in the rural village of childhood home (This is the most disturbing thing for me- he put my family at risk- their name and reputation..He said it was too cold for him to get hard but still...the intention was there). He had also ordered several only fans videos and spend 1000s of euros over the last 5 years on this stuff...The worst thing is he is still 'deciding' between me and visiting this Dom in person...Together 8 years..
He is seeing a therapist, has went to a few 12 steps but finds they aren’t for him ...He also has an intake with an addiction psychologist this week. I have asked him to be open with family members but hasn't told the full story and minimised it- he says he will or maybe I should?
Is there a point in waiting 90 days? He is still in limbo over whether to chose me or have this transactional experience...I have read this detox can change perspectives and he is trying- 5 weeks tomorrow.
He has said that he can't make this decision and go through his 'sobreity'at the same time -am I right to give him grace?
[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 8:32 PM, Monday, March 30th]
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:53 AM on Sunday, March 29th, 2026
Run! Get out!
He put you & your family at risk.
Shows you the extent of his addictions.
Unless HE really wants to change, there is nothing you can do to stop his behavior. And it appears as though he has multiple addictions.
You deserve better.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:25 PM on Monday, March 30th, 2026
Imagine this scenario:
You are walking with your best friend along the beach, just chatting and enjoying the walk.
Then the friend reaches over and punches you – full punch directly on the chin.
You ask them WTF happened and they are all apologetic, give some excuse about a muscle reflex or whatever and promise not to do it again. You demand they don’t walk with clenched fists.
Then – maybe 10 yards later – they punch you again. Again, some excuse, again some promise not to do it again. You now demand no clenched fists, and arms behind their back.
Then – maybe 10 yards later – they punch you again.
How often would this have to happen before you realize that MAYBE you shouldn’t be walking beside this person?
That no matter what demands you make and whatever promises they make they are going to punch you again?
Your partner has told you his kink. Doesn’t really matter if it’s an addiction or if you demand he doesn’t masturbate or eat fish or whatever. He’s not going to meet your requirements, and you aren’t into his kink…
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Ihopeyouaresomewhere (original poster new member #87083) posted at 2:14 PM on Monday, March 30th, 2026
To be honest, I have catered to his kink - I like to see him pleased already . The weird thing is , this scenario has made me want to dominate him more. Although he says he isn't really attracted to me now- I have read that partners become attracted to their partners again after a withdrawal. He’s still obsessed with this one dom who he thinks will answer his problems - he suffers from porn induced erectile dysfunction and told me he struggled to get it up for this sex worker on the video call - he’s obsessed with her and still couldn’t perform - I’m hoping this detox will help him to detox from porn - that is what is recommended for addicts. He says I used to satisfy him but now he doesn’t find me attractive- it is likely the porn
[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 3:18 PM, Monday, March 30th]
