SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife and I have been married 12 years together for 17 and I found out two days before our 12th anniversary. So in the last year she started a new job as the site nurse at a refinery that is predominantly men but I trusted her and never thought anything of it. After six months I started to feel like we had started to grow distant from each other I should probably add we both have recently lost a lot of weight and look much better. I would ask if anything was wrong and she would always tell me no but we would go to bed say nothing and she would roll over and go to sleep. I asked if there was someone else because I started noticing how much she was putting in to her appearance when going to work and at the end of the day would notice she was wearing thongs to work something I was not getting to be privileged to anymore. She then accused me of cheating on her because I go to the gym every morning before work but I have proof of that from log records. I was told I was insecure and just treated badly so I looked at her phone one night when she was in the shower and seen some of what she had been saying about me to her friends and it hurt. So I looked at phone records and paid for a site to look up numbers owners and found the name. When I asked her the look on her face I will never forget she says they just talked about work and that’s it but had deleted everything so there was no proof of that. The next day she texted him and said she could longer talk to him that she was going to work on her marriage to which he didn’t reply. She says she wants to stay together and only seen him in person at work a few times and it was always with others around never alone. She did admit that pictures had been sent but never nudes from either of them just I find it hard to believe. We have two children together that are my world and our son is very good at baseball and I’m constantly taking him to practice almost every day so I am gone a lot. She claims I was drinking so much she felt I was choosing alcohol over her and she didn’t know how to tell me. I immediately poured it out and haven’t had a drink since. Now we are ok if I don’t bring it up things seem fine but if I say anything she gets defensive and it becomes a huge argument I feel like she told me what she wants me to think but with everything gone I have to choose to believe her and move on. Every time we talk now she spins it like she did nothing wrong and I’m a horrible person I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am sorry you had to join this site.

But your wife is behaving like a typical cheater. Here’s some proof:

Deleted texts
Getting mad at you for wanting to discuss the matter
Blaming you (excessive drinking made her turn to someone else crap)
Dressing better for work

You might want to consider getting done professional help for yourself. Suggest she get help as well. This is not the time for marriage counseling. It’s the time for each of you to address your issues (hers is cheating, yours is being married to a cheater) and see if you cannot get clarity on your current situation.

We both have been talking to therapist and we have done couples counseling. The problem I’m seeing with the individual therapist is not knowing what’s being said it sounds as though she is making it sound as though I’m trying to control her and that could not be further from the truth. I have never said no to anything or told her she couldn’t do something. I did ask her to not talk to her one friend about our personal stuff because it seemed to be not helpful to the situation and she didn’t respect that so I said out of anger I didn’t want her to be friends with her anymore but I didn’t really feel that way. I love her more than anything and I know I was drinking too much but it was a few drinks every night not getting wasted. She felt she couldn’t tell me and that’s how she started talking to that guy and he reached out to her not her looking for something it just happened supposedly he ended up being in a relationship with a woman for over 10 years surprised her and had domestic violence all making cutting ties so much easier.

Her reactions shows she is not truly remorseful, not taking your marriage and your heart as valuable and a high priority.

One thing I DO think you have as leverage is this...absolutely DO tell the spouse of the man she was interacting with about their emotional (and possible) physical affair.

Make sure to even tell the wife about your wife wearing thongs. To me, that is just crazy. And you never know what dots that wife may be able to connect to reveal more truth. And don't tell your wife you are doing this.

You take control. Get advice from other here too.

Hey Worried,

You’ve come to a place where crowd-sourced wisdom, all painfully gained, gets shared with those who’ve been betrayed. The very first thing you must understand, is that in 99% of cases, the unfaithful one when confronted does NOT share everything that actually happened. Most often, they will only confess to the undeniable evidence the betrayed spouse has been able to find, and not a drop more. There’s a reason she deleted all those texts - they were not talking merely talking about work matters.

Another truism, is that in the vast majority of cases, an EA (Emotional Affair) + proximity = PA (physical affair). There’s a reason your wife started wearing thongs. Sorry, but a woman doesn’t do that when she has no intention/desire to get physical with OM (other man).

If you’re dead-set on reconciliation, you will never get there without the FULL truth of EVERYTHING that happened. I recommend demanding that she WRITE OUT a full timeline of EVERYTHING they did, who approached who, details of conversations, actions, all of it. After she hands that to you, tell her she will sit for a polygraph where she will be asked to confirm the written timeline is absolutely complete and fully truthful. Ask her then if she has anything to add to the timeline now. Tell her that if she shares the complete truth now, you may be willing to work on the marriage together. Tell her if the poly shows she’s not being fully truthful, you have nothing to work with, and the marriage is over because SHE ended it unilaterally. Never take any responsibility for the THOUSANDS of evil choices she made.

Keep posting!

Hello WorriedHusband,

Im really sorry to hear you are going through this. I know firsthand how hard this is. There is ALOT more to this is story than she is telling you. Ive experienced all of these same behaviors myself.

I started to feel like we had started to grow distant from each other.

In my experience, this is usually one of the first signs that there is someone else in the picture. This alone doesnt always mean that, but paired with the other red flags it definitely does.

I started noticing how much she was putting in to her appearance when going to work and at the end of the day would notice she was wearing thongs to work

This is another major red flag. Focusing on appearance is a telltale sign. But wearing thongs when she hadnt done that for you in a long time is a huge one. Ask yourself, if she wasnt sending explicit photos or having a sexual relationship with someone else, what logical reason would there ever be to wear thongs to work? There isnt one.

She then accused me of cheating on her

This is called projection. Shes projecting onto you what she knows she's been doing herself.

I looked at her phone one night when she was in the shower and seen some of what she had been saying about me to her friends and it hurt.

This happened to me too. You are made the villain in their story (even if you weren't) It makes it easier for them to justify their awful behaviour.

When I asked her the look on her face I will never forget she says they just talked about work and that’s it but had deleted everything so there was no proof of that.

The look on their face and how they respond can tell you alot. Deer in headlights or a panicked look when confronted. This is typically followed by minimizing, let's make this as small as it can be based on what he knows.

Also, deleting messages is also a telltale sign. Get rid of the evidence. If it truly was just work related banter, why delete anything? The answer, it wasnt.

The next day she texted him and said she could longer talk to him that she was going to work on her marriage to which he didn’t reply.

My gut tells me this was done with the intention for you to read. She already knew you were going through her messages. It doesnt stop her from saying things privately in person to them at work.

She did admit that pictures had been sent but never nudes from either of them just I find it hard to believe.

I find this very hard to believe as well, in fact I don't believe it at all based on everything you've said.

This is called trickle truth. She is giving you bits and pieces and only partial truths. She admitted to sending pictures, thats part of it. Did she send nudes as well, id bet the farm on it.

She claims I was drinking so much she felt I was choosing alcohol over her.

This truly may have bothered her and if so it was up to her to have a conversation with you about it. But it does not justify starting a relationship with someone else.

If I say anything she gets defensive and it becomes a huge argument I feel like she told me what she wants me to think but with everything gone I have to choose to believe her and move on.

This is another major red flag. If this truly was only just a work friend, why would she get so defensive and angry?

You dont just have to choose to believe her and move on. Based on everything you've said, I wouldnt believe her at all. Shes hiding things from you, I guarantee that.

If it were me, I would require her to take a polygraph in order to continue the marriage. Watch her reaction just to presenting that option.

My guess is first panic, then defensiveness and then anger. "If my own husband won't believe me when im telling the truth than maybe we shouldnt be together" or some variation of that. Keep in mind, if she has nothing to hide, this isnt a big deal. She knows you already have your suspicions, she deleted all the messages so you were unable to confirm it, its up to her to prove this to you if she truly wants the marriage to work.

Overall I would be very concerned. If you ask me this has already at the very least turned into an emotional relationship, but with all the signs, its most likely already turned physical.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you!

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 3:31 PM, Saturday, December 20th]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you will get support, info and advice from this site. I hope it helps.
I don't know if I'm going to say anything original but maybe just confirm what others have said or will say:

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS IS ENTIRELY 100% HER FAULT, IT IS ALL ON HER. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING. NONE, PERIOD, EVER, WORLD WITHOUT END AMEN. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR THIS, DO NOT LET HER PUT IT ON YOU.

I mean every word of that. Could your marriage be better - yeah, all of our marriages could be better. Everyone's could be, everywhere on earth. But there is no excuse for breaking your vows, lying to your spouse, taking up with another person, giving him or her the attention and affection and sex, because, yes SEX IS IMPORTANT AND IT DOES MATTER. That exclusivity DOES matter to most people. It's the reason why the Bible allows only adultery as a reason for divorce....because the physical bond IS the marital bond and having sex outside the marriage, breaks that inherently. Not to say that emotional affairs don't cause problems, they do, but when it goes to physical....something fundamental has broken.

I'm saying all this to validate you because it sounds like your wife is trying to project onto you and blame you for her actions and DELIBERATE DECISIONS - every time she made any move or response to this guy, it was a deliberate decision, NOT a mistake, and she has to own up to it and not blame you. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME AT ALL. If you do, she'll just use it to deflect her own responsibility and blame you. She's trying to escape blame, responsibility and consequences. Don't let her.

There's probably more that you don't know about. I don't know how you can find out at this point, unfortunately it sounds like she destroyed much of the evidence which is what cheaters try to do. You might get some info from going through phone bills - the numbers and frequency of calls and texts should be available and sometimes even text messages depending on carrier. If you can get into her phone - and always do these things secretly and NO YOU DO NOT NEED PERMISSION - there is no secrecy in marriage (or it's not a marriage....two become one or should try at least)....and look for apps she might use to cheat, or deleted files. Sometimes these can be recovered. It might not be a bad idea for her phone to go missing for a couple of days if you get my drift. Also, check Facebook and other social media platforms, and check credit card and financial records. DO NOT ASK PERMISSION DO THIS SECRETLY. Your wife has acted in secret, unfortunately affairs set up spouses as ADVERSARIES because she has taken secret action against you, even in undermining you to her friends. Something that also commonly happens in affairs because she's trying to give herself reasons for cheating. Trying to feed the dissatisfaction.

I think the biggest ongoing issue with adultery is that it totally changes how you view your spouse. Someone you think you knew and could trust and predict their behavior, maybe for decades, does something you could never imagine or foresee. You see a whole different side of them and you wonder....who is this person? Not only how could he or she do this, but WHO IS THIS PERSON? It can make people call into question everything about their marriage and certainly.....how well you know your spouse and if she was like this all along. Who knows? So it's not only that TRUST has been broken but....IDENTITY has been broken too. You don't know who you're married to now, who you have been married to, and what she is capable of. I think that's a big unacknowledged part of what makes this so frightening and disorienting....as well as angering. Our whole basis for a secure life based on a partnership with a known person has been thrown up into the air and become a Twilight Zone episode. Don't underestimate these feelings in yourself. This is, IMO, ultimately what makes reconciliation so hard if not impossible for most people (I don't generally believe in recon myself)....it's not only the basic issues of understanding why she would do this, and whether she could ever be happy with you or will keep finding others (or with this AP), but.....WHO IS THIS PERSON? HOW CAN I TRUST HER AGAIN? HOW CAN I EVER KNOW WHAT SHE TELLS ME IS TRUE AGAIN - including whether she loves me? Maybe that's just another big lie of convenience.

To become vulnerable with someone on such an intimate level over a period of time....requires great trust and belief they won't betray us, lie about us, steal from us, have sex and love with someone else....and once that is broken, people can try to get it back. They call it spackling when you pretend everything is as it was because you drive it beneath the surface, but the feelings and distrust don't go away for many, nor should they necessarily. You don't know this person anymore, maybe you never did. How you can build up that sense of trust, if it is possible again, is an individual thing, but DON'T PUSH YOURSELF FOR IT. Staying together for the kids or money or health issues is fine as long as you acknowledge that's what it is. But don't pretend you feel or don't feel things you don't. And don't accept DISRESPECT FROM ANYONE, PERIOD.

If this were me, and I did not have kids, financial issues, etc, I would probably file for divorce now. It might be the only way you're gonna get the truth out of her. It tends to WAKE PEOPLE UP. And it is usually the right thing to do. She BROKE the marriage, if you do stay together eventually, other than for the kids or money, it would have to become a new marriage based on a new understanding of who she is. And how she views you and what she wants from the marriage. You have to be able to believe in that.

I would go to a divorce lawyer, see what divorce looks like for you and be prepared to file. Even if you don't, you will have the knowledge and you need that. You don't know what's going on with her and I've seen women just up and leave. Don't be a chump, check it out for yourself. And get an STD test. And don't bend over backwards kissing her ass. To me, cheating is damn near unforgivable....some might be willing to....but don't make it easy. The easier you make it, the less respect you will get and I think LACK OF RESPECT IS A BASIC FACTOR IN CHEATING.

Good luck, Worried! Investigate secretly, get info, be bold, take action. As a woman, I will tell you, I like men who take action and are assertive. I think most women do. Keep that in mind.

I did get an attorney had paperwork started filing didn’t change her story at all she swears on our children’s lives she didn’t so much as send nudes let alone sleep with him. I want to believe that as there is no way she would swear on our children’s lives I would hope if she did and could do that I never truly knew her. When she was pregnant with our first child she went to part time and stayed that way for almost 10 years in that time I worked so much overtime I afforded to build us a new home, then convinced her to go back to school like she wanted. I worked my butt off to pay for her nursing school and within 6 months of her first full time job this started. I’m not going to say I’m an angel but I feel I’m a good husband I cook a lot as she doesn’t like to and I’m fine with that I do laundry dishes take care of the lawn fix and maintain the vehicles. I’m not saying that makes me special but it’s not like I sit and do nothing I’m very busy always and it’s always for my family not myself my son and baseball have become my world.

Tell the other spouse what you know. She may have more information for you or can get more. Even if she does not, it is right for her to know and it will more than likely stop them from talking again.

She held the cards when she had this secret, now you exert your choice...tell the other spouse. This will show your wife, there is zero room for this kind of disrespect.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 10:18 PM, Saturday, December 20th]

It sounds like you’re still going over your marriage and the quality of husband you are, Worried. Please try to remember, it doesn’t matter whether you are a good or bad spouse. There is no behavior in the world that warrants infidelity as as a response. And it sounds very much like you are a wonderful spouse. Please do not let anyone convince you otherwise.

The blame lies 100% on HER, and her only. As others on this site will tell you, her infidelity has very little to do with you at all. She has issues that she needs to work through, and that work cannot begin unless she is honest, not only with you, but with herself, about what she did.