SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm definitely unsettled. You said she bought MULTIPLE boxes of condoms over the years, and yet you only saw two of them?

I don't like that at all.

I am also glad you are posting again.
I dont really have a whole lot I can add to here at this time, except that my wish for you is for your wife to really understand that just giving you the answers to all these questions really is the key for you to start leaving it behind and being able to get on together.

I only know you surface level from what you post, but I’m pretty confident that if she offered you all the answers you needed to the point where you let out that sigh of relief of finally having everything make sense you’d be able to move forward with her? She has got to know this as well. Hopefully she’s still reading here.

I really don't know, man. I mean when you first found out about stuff, that could have been forgivable. But finding out more information is supposed to be the dealbreaker. You're young, why are you still putting yourself through this? There are about 3.5 billion girls on the planet. Eliminating one for bad behavior is just another opportunity to start over with someone who isn't this damaged and who doesn't have the kind of betrayal history she's put you through.

This0is0fine,

She isnt an asshole, brother.

She is a sensitive, kindhearted, dynamic child of god. The affairs and the deception are objects of great shame to her. She only wants to be happy and feel complete. She loves helping others, and is beloved by anyone who knows her.

She wakes up every day, full of aspirations and hope. She works so hard. She struggles to love herself. Its easier for her to love animals, run restaurants, excercise, and focus on the places where she didnt fail.

She cant live with herself and face it. Ive tried to force her. She wants to run away from the past. I keep reminding her.

Thats me, trying to make her choices for her. Thats me being wrong.

I cant save her or us, but I can save me and accept the dynamic truth of who she is. Who I am.

If I can do that and stay, I will.

Maybe that will be where I find something like healing. Maybe it will just keep delaying my healing. Healing will happen either way, eventually.

I almost immediately sort of regretted just throwing shade at your wife. I know insulting the WS isn't generally helpful to the BS.

She might be kind and sensitive to all, but she is doing that, multiple times, without regard for you.

She could be the most giving person ever, but if she is willing to give herself to anyone, what does she have left to give you?

She just doesn't have a constant visibility and care for you, her husband. She doesn't consider you before others. This is an ongoing pattern, and not one you have provided much evidence of her trying to change.

I had the same reaction as ThisIsS0Fine when I read your comment about all people being "animals" guided by our self-serving impulses. It seemed like a cop-out. It was another way of saying "all people are kind of kind of crappy so I shouldn’t aspire for anything better than this."

It clearly came from someone who has been so beaten down to the point of becoming numb. You’ve been treated so badly by women your entire life, particularly your own mother, that you’ve never known what it feels like to feel treasured, adored, and safe in a relationship.

I wish I could go back in time, find little kid 5bluedrops, give you a hug, and tell you that you deserve better.

Because I really feel that if you had any baseline measure for what a healthy and loving relationship is truly like, you would understand why we can’t reconcile all the disgusting, deplorable, humiliating, and abusive things that your wife has done to you before, during, and after her affairs with your characterization of her as this sweet, sensitive, damsel in distress.

Her pain and her shame has always been focused on her inability to accept the negative consequences of her actions and her own self-loathing… the pain and suffering she has caused you has always been second to that.

And, to further ThisIsS0Fine’s last post, your wife is not the first or the last WS to be "people-pleasing"… to every person on Earth except her spouse.

I hope that through focusing on your own personal healing and happiness that you will gain some clarity about your relationship and, perhaps at some point in the future, realize that you don’t have to settle for scraps.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:58 AM, Tuesday, December 16th]

Hello 5BD,

It really is so nice to hear from you, so glad you posted. I have to admit, I am very discouraged by the way your therapist is approaching this...."move on from the past".

That honestly makes me question his philosophy and training on betrayal trauma. From all I have read and my experience, you simply CANNOT do that. Your literal BRAIN is working to fit all this information into your reality. That takes work and shoving it away is futile. I am not saying that you do not work on the here and now and the future, but you have to let your brain and heart work this out at the pace ...and to the extent that it is content to organically let it go.

And trust me, it will happen.

In my experience I think of it this way, every time I feel the need to go over a certain aspect of the historical betrayal, it softens the impact ...makes it less powerful if you will. You need to give yourself time, and it is different for everyone. And keep in mind, the clock only really beings when you are confident you know what happened. I hope you do know the extent....and maybe you do. I always questioned why you did not go to another Polygraph practitioner as it seems the one you saw was quite questionable.

Another thing I want to propose on that regard is what was proposed to me within the first week of my wife disclosing....was to actually use the Biblical application of a "vow". I am not taking a wedding a vow, which of course is broken when a spouse cheats. But I mean a vow before God of truthfulness. Now this will only be effective for someone who truly believes and in the Lord. My wife is a believer, and this actually drove her to dig deep. She did not want to blatantly lie before God. Mind you, this is something done in writing. Anyway, it truly helped for us. Helped her and helped me.

I honestly again would refer you to Jake Porters content. He has a "All Access Library" where you can listen to a bunch of different webinars where goes deep into many topics such as.

- Grieving Together
- Healing Trauma - Disclosure
- Rescuing you partner from Triggers
- Leveraging Emotions
- Couple Centered Recovery
- Understanding Family of Origin Issues
- Rigorous Honesty

To name a few...there are many more. I can tell you are a deep thinker and really...I am so convinced this would help you. It is very reasonable. Give it a try. I think listening to these webinars with your wife will you do you both wonders.

Your Mother In Law.... yikes...that is nasty. I am so sorry you are dealing with that. Very hurtful.

Please keep talking. To wife especially. But here too if so inclined.

Anyway, glad you wrote. I pray the Great Physician touches your heart and guides you both.🙏

'Move on from the past' has multiple possible meanings.

Agreed, context, definition of terms, and details matter. Could be healthy, could be unrealistic. Only poster can figure that out in his situation.