Asterisk -
So, instead of shifting that anger towards my wife, knowing it completely unjustified at this stage in our relationship, I turned to you guys. I’m exposing a side of me I just hate.
Not easy to share — and thanks for doing it. Because you finding us now, all these years after the fact, makes perfect sense now.
Infidelity is about as unfair as it gets.
Infidelity puts us in a competition we don’t even know we’re in.
Our spouses purposefully turn away from us.
And, you took a higher road than most of us and buried the side of you that you don’t like, buried the anger you could not properly vent.
You go and see the Doc and he has a potentially unfair medical diagnosis, another chance for you to vent about the inherent unfairness of it all.
I’m no mental health professional (although three of my family members are), but darn if it doesn’t add up.
So you’re taking a full inventory, and that’s a good thing.
You’re a bit older than me, but I would invest in a punching bag. Some great therapy in punching some anger out on those things. Or hike up your favorite hill/mountain/tall place and yell at the world (kind of fun).
It was a righteous anger then, and it is now — until you process it some more.
As you noted, you previously chose suffering. Now, I think you are looking for a way to suffer….less.
For me, I did figure out how to choose my focus on the elements of life that have gone better since I started healing.
