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Did you ever hear back from the other guy’s spouse? It’s critical that she knows now - your wife moving out could be coordinated. He could be transferring money out and doing other shady things. She really, really needs to know.

Hi Sharkman,

"Did you ever hear back from the other guy’s spouse? It’s critical that she knows now - your wife moving out could be coordinated. He could be transferring money out and doing other shady things. She really, really needs to know."

No, I didnt. It's possible she was out of the office etc yesterday I guess or junk filters intervened. I could of course have the wrong person, but there's lot of coincidences if I am wrong.

My wife hugely remorseful, numb, conselling arranged (and is now openly accepting that she needs to speak to someone), we've agreed to work through things and she's told him she needs space (to which he replied that she needs to focus on me and the kids. Its possible that this means he has realised he needs to do the same at his end, but upside is that it might shut that down from both directions). I know everyone will say that she could be lying but she knows the pain this has caused me, and turmoil its causing her. I can predict the comments that this will bring but I can only do what I feel is right based on the situation on teh ground unfortunately

[This message edited by AB1978 at 11:01 AM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Telling him she needs space is far from saying the affair is over, there shall be zero contact between us.

She also needs to delete his contact info, block him everywhere, give you all of her passwords, give you full access to all of her devices, and delete the messaging apps.

Does she and he have IPhones? FYI: IPhone to IPhone texts do not go thru your cellular provider (ask me how I learned this :/ ) Not sure if that works the same way where you are.

Unless she is definitively stating to him and you that the affair is over AND taking deliberate actions (actions carry much more weight) to demonstrate that the affair is over, it's not.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 11:51 AM, Tuesday, September 16th]

^^^^^^^^ This

Sorry in advance or the 2x4. Unless your WW sends him a no contact message and blocks him everywhere, she is still deep in the A. She is keeping her options open and you as safe fall back. You can’t nice her back by. Full stop. You may think you’re taking the high road here, but really, you’re just rug sweeping and enabling her.

This is perfect. So dedicate 100% of your resources to finding and talking to his wife. As in it’s the most urgent issue by a significant margin.

Telling her is obviously the ethical and strategic move. From a strategy perspective once you tell his wife you’ll know if your wife is really No Contact by if/when she finds out. I’d have divorce papers waiting for her the instant that she mentions it to you. It’s time to nip this crap in the bud and stop her abuse cycle towards you.

This is THE tool in your toolbag at the moment. She can’t know about it, but it should be on your hand at this very moment. Call her, visit her. Do whatever you can.

It’s also clean you want to shut it down in both directions. Are you really banking on two admitted cheaters to tell the truth about this? His spouse is the ONLY way that you can get that.

AB,

So you did 1 and 3. Good.

But now you’re doing 4, waiting to see if it will fizzle out.

But worse, you are now hoping that the OBS will do what you are unwilling to do. That is put your foot down.

And even if this works, if OBS is successful in getting her husband in line, you will be left believing that your wife is with you not because she wants to be, but because you were her only option. She found herself stuck with you.

And if that’s the way she feels, she might not quit looking.

Ever read/watch "Bridges of Madison County"?

Synopsis: cheating wife stays with husband but pines for lover the rest of her life.

Don’t wind up with that wife.

Best wishes.

(to which he replied that she needs to focus on me and the kids. Its possible that this means he has realised he needs to do the same at his end, but upside is that it might shut that down from both directions).

Sounds to me like he is the one who intercepted the message that you sent to OBS. JMHO.

I was coming to post exactly what sharkman already did. You’ll know when the info reaches the OBS, because you’ll hear an earful from your WW.