SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Several times, while reading replies to other betrayeds’ post I have read an analogy expressing that a person’s life is like an hourglass. The shortened version, as I understand, is that the sand above is one’s future, the grain passing through the throat is the present, and the filtered dust below, good and bad, is the past. The questioned posed is how much of one’s future does one expend on the past? Questioning - is reliving, or rehashing the past a waste of time? And I agree these are fair questions to ask oneself.

In many ways, I like the simplicity of a truth this analogy offers, and yet in its uncomplicatedness, at least for me, it presents an unreality. I can’t avoid wondering, is ignoring the past how our minds are wired to survive? Isn’t it also said that the past is the best predictor of the future? Not that anyone’s past determines their future, but shouldn’t we give careful review to not rinse and repeat.

I would like to share a different perspective of the hourglass.

Pre-D-day the sand above outweighed the sand below. The flow was exciting, full of hope, warmth and great anticipation as to what my future with my wife was to become. (Sunshine and rainbows.)

There was purity in the granules that lingered above. With confidence secured, there was no fear in me of the unknown that was preparing to filter through our mutual existence. Our connection and affection were as transparent as the hourglass that held all three phases of our life together.

Or so I thought.

For me, D-day flipped the "hourglass" other side up (Some might say wrong side up others might argue, right side up.) and now everything old that had filtered through with dependability is now erratically rushing back through the hourglass with a pain-filled, unwanted hindsight.

Everything truth said - doubted. Every kindness shown - lost. Every experience - suspect. Nothing going through the slot is untainted. Every past male friend – was he also? Every unplanned late home arrival – was it unplanned? Every hesitation – a calculation.

It is tempting to say, just flip the hourglass back right side up. However, the uncomfortable truth that follows one’s dreaded D-day is no matter which side up, there will always be a mixture of the haunted past entangling itself with the future as it falls through the bubbles’ throat, called the present.

Some things just cannot be reversed or "undone".

Once the flat piece of paper is crumbled up, it will never be a smooth flat piece of paper again.

It will always have a wrinkle.

That is how I view life after infidelity. The wrinkle will never leave.

Yes, The1stWife,

I agree with your statement:

Some things just cannot be reversed or "undone".

I would like to add, it can also be what spurs a rebirth. I have read of yours many times.

I truly like your analogy of how infidelity crumbles marriages and often us, leaving the betrayed, or the marriage, feeling like a piece of discarded, creased paper. And yes, no matter the remorse or well-meaning efforts by both parties the once, flat paper will never lie perfectly level again. But we do have the power to write our own future on that bent, possibly torn, piece of paper. Together, let’s grab a pencil!

we give careful review to not rinse and repeat

I think we are wired to learn from past actions that harmed us in order to avoid getting into harmful situations in the future. This is basic survival for any biological organism that has a memory. This is why we feel pain and why we have both memory and imagination.

That said, our brains are far from perfect, and it's too easy to get trapped in a cycle where we keep reliving the past because we are so anxious to avoid pain the future (aka rumination). I think that's the pitfall for a lot of the betrayed. Rumination feels like productive action, especially when we are otherwise powerless to choose to our future. I suspect this is also why limbo (or ambivalence) on R vs. D is such a difficult way to live. Until we settle into a choice and feel some confidence and security in our future, our brains will keep chewing on the evidence of the past. We are not built to live in a perpetual state of uncertainty, but that's what limbo does to us.

I think this is also why people who walk away soon after dday tend to heal faster. They don't have to think about how to prevent infidelity from hurting them again, or to decipher the symptoms of infidelity in their partner/spouse so they can look for "danger signs" in the future. There's much less processing to do when you know you'll be on your own.

Some ancient Greek dude once said: "The unexamined life is not worth living." I agree.

As for the hour glass analogy... well, it's like the days of our lives...

Reflection is a great source of wisdom. Keep at it, brother.

I agree with you NoThanksForTheMemories,

there is a great danger that replaying can turn into "rumination". For me, reviewing, even if over and over, is natural, evn healthy, as the sands of the past, pass back through the narrows of the upside down hourglass. Whereas rumination is like being stuck in a loop of turning over and over again the hourglass so that the same sand cannot ever find its natural resting place in the bottom glass. I did that for too long. Stopping rumination was more difficult than I had ever imagined it to be. I still have to slay it from time to time.

Thank you for the great quote unhinged,

It is one to live by.

Your continued support if felt, thanks

Asterisk

One failing most BSes seem to exhibit - me included - is that we do not take into account the fact that life is change, and we can be hit by traumatic events not connected with infidelity at any moment. One can get hit by a car after turning left ... and by a motorcycle if one had turned right, too. A d-day changes a BS's life, and we'll never know what was going to happen if one's WS had not conducted an A.

Change happens. It's not always benign.

I think this is also why people who walk away soon after dday tend to heal faster. They don't have to think about how to prevent infidelity from hurting them again, or to decipher the symptoms of infidelity in their partner/spouse so they can look for "danger signs" in the future. There's much less processing to do when you know you'll be on your own.

I believe that any BS who doesn't process their pain out of their bodies will lead sub-optimal lives. Those who simply walk away, without dealing with their feelings, are often left governed by feelings they and others do not understand, and these feelings eff up their lives in ways that hurt themselves and others.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:32 PM, Sunday, September 14th]

Agreed Sisson,

Divorce does not give a betrayed a free pass from the daunting work of rebuilding one’s self-esteem and the reestablishing their ability to trust again. In fact, more than likely, it was pre-marriage baggage on the waywards part that "assisted" in the decision to cheat. And in doing so they pass on, like a contagion, baggage to their spouse that they will carry if they don’t work through the loss.

One failing most BSes seem to exhibit - me included - is that we do not take into account the fact that life is change, and we can be hit by traumatic events not connected with infidelity at any moment. One can get hit by a car after turning left ... and by a motorcycle if one had turned right, too. A d-day changes a BS's life, and we'll never know what was going to happen if one's WS had not conducted an A.

Something along these lines has been kicking about in my mind lately, like my brain has been on the verge of an important realization. Your explanation has brought me some clarity in what I was trying to articulate to myself. Infidelity is one of several heartbreaking changes thrown at me. It's by far the worst and most senseless though.

I truly like your analogy of how infidelity crumbles marriages and often us, leaving the betrayed, or the marriage, feeling like a piece of discarded, creased paper. And yes, no matter the remorse or well-meaning efforts by both parties the once, flat paper will never lie perfectly level again. But we do have the power to write our own future on that bent, possibly torn, piece of paper. Together, let’s grab a pencil!

I love this. I had been looking at the M as a dented old beater car, still running and still functioning, but nothing to be excited about. The paper analogy works better. It felt as though infidelity ended my happy story, but I can still create a good future.

[This message edited by PurpleMoxie at 11:16 PM, Sunday, September 14th]

PurpleMoxie

Old beater cars do not necessarily have to be replaced with a newer model. Some are worth refurbishing. The knocking, smoking, sputtering engine can be rebuilt, all dents carefully and skillfully taken out, oxidized, faded, rusty paint sanded and recoated, torn upholstery replaced giving the interior a fresh scent. And when the sweaty work is completed the car, now a classic shiny and renewed, may be worth more than it was originally. Something to once again be excited about!

[This message edited by Asterisk at 12:23 PM, Monday, September 15th]

Old beater cars do not necessarily have to be replaced with a newer model. Some are worth refurbishing. The knocking, smoking, sputtering engine can be rebuilt, all dents carefully and skillfully taken out, oxidized, faded, rusty paint sanded and recoated, torn upholstery replaced giving the interior a fresh scent. And when the sweaty work is completed the car, now a classic shiny and renewed, may be worth more than it was originally. Something to once again be excited about!

Also true. Thank you for the perspective, Asterisk.