Well, I think I’m there. It’s been 11 years since Dday. He never gave me a written time line (enter in all the excuses here), he made lots of promises about better behavior that never really consistently manifested.
His affairs were random hook ups on Craigslist (3 women, he sought out men too but said he never met up with them).
I was trying to make it work, but some things happened that changed my mind.
I’m a physician and I worked a 36 hour shift and got killed. I called him about 30 hours in, talked to him about how I really needed to just go to bed when I got home…. He then decided to wash the sheets for the first time in a month and forgot to make the bed. So I came home so tired I couldn’t even make the bed. And then he wouldn’t get the fuck out of my way while I made the bed so I could go to sleep….
The second thing- he has a benign but growing chest tumor that needs treatment. Our huge dog jumped on his chest and a look crossed his face that suggested he was going to hurt the dog. Childhood trauma victim, here. So that look disgusted me. I stopped mid word, and left the room. He then followed me and got very defensive, saying I prolly thought he was going to attack the dog.
I just looked at him and said I don’t want to be around a man who looks like that when he is angry.
Sex has been terrible for years (I havent had an orgasm with him in the same room with me in prolly eight years?). He keeps insisting he’s a nice guy.
So he’s a stay at home dad, the kids are teens now. He cannot be rehabbed into work because he has poor social skills, and I’m stuck with legal alimony for the rest of my life (25 yrs married).
I told him today that I’m not going to divorce him because he has this tumor that he needs chemo for, but that I’m quitting. I’m not doing any more work for him. I gave examples of the labor I do which goes unseen. He maybe sees it, but I’m so done at this time, I just need to stop.
I don’t want to date anyone ever again, but I don’t want the work involved with him, either. I saw this reel that was a man saying, "Men- you are not competing against other men for you woman. You’re competing against the peace she feels when she’s alone."
And that’s exactly it.
I told him we can remain married for logistics and insurance, but he has his freedoms to do whatever. I don’t care. I just won’t be doing the work anymore.
I can’t support two households and send the kids to the schools they want (my 14 yr old is MIT material, and my 16 yr old wants a private culinary school). And I can’t work 24 hour shifts and keep my kids at home with me.
But I’m done doing free work for him. I just can’t anymore.
Nothing to say, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Boom. I’m done.
And for the first time, I feel sort of peaceful.
