The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:20 AM on Wednesday, June 11th, 2025
Why do you need a new marriage counselor?
Your wife is not invested in the marriage.
I think you should stop wasting your $ and either accept the status quo and live with it or D.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, June 11th, 2025
A lot of factors increasing seem out of my control. She just has a lot of shit to fix. I know I’m far from perfect but I feel like if there were an objective observer of both our lives the verdict would be that she is avoiding the hard work and relying on me to either put up with her lack of vulnerability or just divorce her so she can play the victim.
What would you suggest to someone else in your position? One of my mantra's I learned in my first marriage is to never stay in a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to invest the same effort and care in the relationship as you. How long are you going to stay for a daily 10-minute hug when she is unwilling to do any hard work to fix what she broke?
4characters (original poster member #85657) posted at 11:29 PM on Wednesday, June 11th, 2025
My IC asked me if I thought about my wife checking into a mental institution, would I still want to leave her. I immediately thought, no. I would want to stay to protect and support her.
That’s kind of where my head is at right now. I feel like I need to give her a chance to come back out of the abyss.
It’s painful and I want it to end, but not until I know for certain I’ve done all I can do. I did say til death do us part after all. What’s a few more years in the grand scheme of things?
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:51 PM on Thursday, June 12th, 2025
My IC asked me if I thought about my wife checking into a mental institution, would I still want to leave her. I immediately thought, no. I would want to stay to protect and support her.
That’s kind of where my head is at right now. I feel like I need to give her a chance to come back out of the abyss.
You should give her the chance, but you also have to keep in mind she needs to take advantage of that chance. She thought the previous MC was great because that counselor let her spin the wheels instead of digging in and doing the work. Even the best counselor can't fix issues if one of the people involved isn't willing to do the work. In another decade are you still going to waiting on her to make the move out of the abyss? Because she shows every sign of being happy with being in that abyss. How long is too long to wait? How short is too short of a wait?
She just has a lot of shit to fix. I know I’m far from perfect but I feel like if there were an objective observer of both our lives the verdict would be that she is avoiding the hard work and relying on me to either put up with her lack of vulnerability or just divorce her so she can play the victim.
IMO you had the right read of the situation above. She doesn't want to make the effort to change. What has she truly done to try and change the situation. She hasn't even found a new counselor. Is she in therapy? Is she being active in that therapy or she just going through the minimum motions like she did in MC?
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 4:10 PM on Thursday, June 12th, 2025
I did say til death do us part after all. What’s a few more years in the grand scheme of things?
So you’re saying that vow was unconditional, regardless of adultery or anything else? Even Jesus expressly permitted D after such a betrayal.
What’s a few more years in the grand scheme of things?
It’s your life to spend it how you choose. You only get one. Choose wisely. If you think you can’t live with yourself if you don’t give her 100 more chances, then do what you gotta do.
