SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, this is my first post on SI but I’ve been following this forum for over two years.
I’m amazed at the wisdom folks have here and I’ve found peace reading about others who’ve gone through the same pain-filled journey! I wish I never needed to find this place but I’m also glad I did.

I believe we all have something to share, mine is probably what "not" to do when your WW commits adultery! Again, i’m truly thankful for the kindred spirits here who have travelled the same rough road and are willing to help navigate others down that painful path!

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?

Henry David Thoreau

31RS,

Two years of lurking. Patient or cautious, or…?

I am glad you have decided to reach out and your story, when you choose to share it, will no doubt resonate with others. I hope that I may add to your healing process.

Asterisk

Thanks Asterisk! Cautious about telling my story although it’s not much different from some others on here.
Like you I’m one of the older folks here and as per my sig mine happened in 1993 before so many resources were available to guide and assist with the fallout.

Don’t know if it’s better or worse but my wife didn’t have an affair because she fell for someone else, her reason for cheating was to punish me for not paying enough attention to her. She said if I didn’t want her she’d find someone that did which was a coworker.

I was in a tough military training course that lasted 14 months and she did this at 11 months.
I did not give her enough attention true but I told her before I started the course that it would take up a lot of my time and I needed her to be strong for this period because this would in the end give us a better life. I’ve been reading here long enough to know what she did was 100% on her, she had other options. She could’ve sat me down and warned me about how she felt or if she was that unhappy she could’ve divorced me!

My son was 10 at the time so I stayed for him, I was going to leave her when he was 18 but he started at a large university and I wanted to support him along with my wife since he commuted from home.
When he was a junior my wife was diagnosed with a very dibilating disease so I’ve stayed with her to take care of her.

We’re best friends but I am unable to be a husband to her, I’ve tried and tried but it’s not possible, I’ve told her that and she understands to a certain extent. We get along well and enjoy each others company and live near our grandkids so life is pretty good.

When she told me what she did I was in shock, never thought she’d hurt me so bad to punish me, to my dying day I will never understand!
I couldn’t tell my chain of command because I would’ve been pulled from the training and possibly never get back into it. For every person that got in there were over 20 waiting to get in so you had to stay on top of your game or be replaced!

I didn’t tell anyone and to this day my wife and I are the only ones to know about her infidelity. I did a good job of burying the pain deep down inside and hoping it would stay there forever but I was wrong. Years later it’s come back to haunt me!

We never talked about it, my wife acted like it never happened. I kept waiting for her to sit me down and tell me why she did this to me but she never did. I realize now the many mistakes I made getting through this.

I had a big trigger several years ago, we were traveling near where this happened and man it was like it just happened. I think that must be what a panic attack is like! I told my wife we have to talk about this now, I can’t take this not knowing anymore. My mind games were terrible, what did she do with him? What was he like? Better looking, smarter, did they laugh about me? Did she tell him about our problems?

I had to threaten to tell our son about her infidelity to get her to talk! And realize this was 31 years after it happened and it hurt like it had just happened!

She slept with him twice. She did this while I was doing night training and our son spent the night with our friends kids. She said drugs and alcohol were involved. She said she regrets it and she sorry she hurt me but there were no tears of remorse, in fact there were no tears at all! She said she was a different person back then, I told her I was too but the person was back then never would’ve done this to her!

I actually got her to read the book "How to help your spouse hear from your affair". I was shocked that she agreed to read it! After reading it she told me she would listen if I ever wanted to talk about what happened but she thought I was over the past. She doesn’t like to talk about what happened and I understand her reluctance but she’ll never understand that I need her to talk to help me heal!

Anyway, enough for now, thanks again Asterisk!

Hey friend,

my wife didn’t have an affair because she fell for someone else, her reason for cheating was to punish me for not paying enough attention to her.

There's an element of this to my wife's affair 16 months ago was well, tho she didn't go looking for one. He pursued her, but she did end up catching feelings for the guy. She slept with him 3 times. They did exchange "I love you's" and she gushed about him to a couple of friends. It didn't take much (just the threat of divorce) to snap her out of it, tho. She hates him now.

She has since admitted that part of her wanted to get caught. It was sort of a sick test to see if I'd fight for her or just give her up. "Well, this will show me if he really loves me or not."

Yeah, it's some pretty twisted wayward logic. I'm not entirely convinced if that was her real reason or not. It was mostly validation and attention, but she says there was an element of that to it. I can't deny that she was neglected, but like you astutely pointed out, there is no justification for cheating. Never, and she had a number of other options she could have chosen.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Tho I guess you're not really "new" since you've been lurking for longer than I've been posting. I'm glad that we've been able to help you with your journey. I appreciate you sharing your story. It's never easy to do.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:43 PM, Sunday, August 2nd]

Thanks Pogre!

Sharing my story is difficult but I know here I’m among friends. Feels like I’m on the Island of misfit toys from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer!
Hopefully no one takes offense at that, it’s truly meant in a kind way!

My wife’s AP was single, he’s married now since this was so long ago. He lives in another state and my wife claims she had no feelings for him but who knows. She said the drugs and alcohol made it easier to cheat! You read what it took for me to get her to tell me anything about what happened! I asked her why she slept with him twice if she was just punishing me once would’ve done the trick. She had no answer.
Can you imaging the mind movies I created over 31 years?

By rugsweeping this immediately I set myself up for pain and misery for years to come. I thought it was dead and gone till my massive trigger a couple years ago and all of a sudden the AP is on my mind again.

After the shock wore off from my wife’s confession anger and rage set in but I was deployed to Korea 3 months after she told me so we had separation but it wasn’t by choice. It was a one year tour and I came home for 2 weeks in the middle of it. When I came home I told her I’d stay only because of my son. Our next talk about it was 31 years later!

Sometimes when I look at her I wonder who she truly is inside, she’s kind to me now and I guess that’s enough. As I posted earlier I don’t bring up her infidelity but she would "grudgingly" talk to me if I told her I really needed it.

My wife won’t go to therapy, she thinks it solves nothing bringing up the past but just creates more pain. She also said she will just get blamed the whole time for cheating on me.

My therapy is reading this forum and writing poetry. I’ve poured my heart out writing some
painful poems but the reason I chose poetry over journaling is that poetry gives me a beginning and an end to what I write. This might sound strange but I can wrap the painful thoughts beginning to end in a poem. Doesn’t fix anything but it sorta puts the pain inside a box so to speak!

31RS,

So much to unpack. Sorry my friend, 31 years of silent stuffing is mind numbing.

...happened in 1993 before so many resources were available to guide and assist with the fallout.

Yeah, no internet back when my wife’s affair was disclosed. Like you, I didn’t tell anyone except counselors, but even that was a misstep on my part. The only book I could find about a wife that cheats made it clear that men cheat for the thrill, women cheat because they want out of the marriage. That painful misconception by the author caused me a tremendous amount of unnecessary pain.

...her reason for cheating was to punish me.../quote]
Have you two talked at length about "punishment" processes? To me, that is not punishment it is more along the lines of execution. The reason for the question is that later on you used the threat of telling her son, a form of punishment, to get her to share information with you. I understand the strong, overwhelming need to know, but I am just wondering about the process used?

We’re best friends but I am unable to be a husband to her, I’ve tried and tried but it’s not possible,...

Many, I’ve read most, long-term marriages come to the "companion stage" where the couple become good, caring friends but no longer are lovers. And many of those couples are extremely happy with the arrangement. Is it possible that this is a small part of the reason? If not, are you willing to reframe something you wrote. "but it is not possible." Would it be more accurate that it hasn’t been possible to date but if we both desire it, it is possible. Anyway, just a thought.

...to my dying day I will never understand!

No, you probably won’t, even if she disclosed fully, every minute detail, so much of it will be so convoluted, you would most likely still not understand. Maybe I am speaking to me about me. I tried for 33 years, until coming here, to understand with the fallacious thought that if I could understand then everything would be okay. Bad logic on my part.

I did a good job of burying the pain deep down inside and hoping it would stay there forever but I was wrong. Years later it’s come back to haunt me!

I think one of the things that pretty much everyone here, both waywards and betrayeds, do agree on "stuffing" backfires every friggen time! Stuffing might win a few battles, sometimes many over long periods of time However, time is patient and may give you a few wins but in the end, time will win the battle.

I realize now the many mistakes I made getting through this...

You and me brother, you and me.

My mind games were terrible, what did she do with him? What was he like? Better looking, smarter, did they laugh about me? Did she tell him about our problems?

" mind games" or what many of us call ruminations, are brain teasers of the worst kind. One fact that often times is true, is that the mind’s fantasy is much more imaginative than what actually happened. Ruminating is what brought me to my knees 33 years post d-day. I just couldn’t clear my mind of many of the same things you listed above. The best advice I got here was to look into different eastern philosophies and their ideas of how we should treat the past, the moment we now live, and the future. It is rather different than western philosophy and the counseling that is based off western thought. After some research into stoic and buddha thought I was able to find my footing again and get off my knees. Something to consider.

She slept with him twice.

Once, twice, or a couple of hundred times, like my wife did, does it really matter. Once the bed is secretly shared what once was, will never be what it once was. In my case, it is better now than it was then, thought it was a very long, arduous, mind and body breaking effort, on both our parts! But, in my experience, the sexual future of the relationship does not have to be less than it was.

She said she was a different person back then, I told her I was too but the person was back then never would’ve done this to her!

My wife says the same thing and she is right, she is. However, she had to allow me time to believe it, trust it and more importantly, I had to let go of the version of the woman I thought I was marrying and engage, love, and accept the woman she has worked hard to become. I’ve often pondered; would I have fallen in love with the woman I am married to now? It is a no brainer, yes! I just wish we could have gotten here in a much healthier way. But, we didn’t however, I like the end result. (not saying there isn’t any pain, probably always will be. The question I had to answer for myself is who was causing the current pain I was feeling, her or I?

She doesn’t like to talk about what happened and I understand her reluctance but she’ll never understand that I need her to talk to help me heal!

Take this for what it is worth. I am speaking from my experience and share because it might align is some fashion with yours.

If an affair is address soon after it has occurred then there is a possibility, though slim for a million reasons, that a wayward has the memory to retell with some accuracies. Assuming they want to. The problem that you (and I) have is that 3 decades have gone by and even if you wife wanted to she probably couldn’t tell you the details you seek. In fact, she has most likely rewritten the affair so many times and from so many angles that she doesn’t know what is true from fallacy. When that happens are they even lying anymore, are they telling the truth anymore? I wrestled with this until my skin was abraded to my bones with no success. Again, it was here that one of the other men here introduced me to the concept of "radical acceptance". I hated it when I first looked into it. I fought against it but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. If you are interested, look it up. There are many approaches but each have similar roots and results.

Feels like I’m on the Island of misfit toys from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer!

Well dang, that is a visual that I’ll never be able to rid my brain of. LOL

Can you imaging the mind movies I created over 31 years?

Yes, yes I can. Many of us can. I hope it is okay for me to point something out. If you are willing reread your quote with a strong focus on the "I created". Understanding that you are creating a story that may have some truth but most likely is not fully true. One thing about stories "we create" is that we have the power to either "rewrite" the story or "delete" the story. And more importantly, we do not have to "believe" the story we write.

My wife won’t go to therapy, she thinks it solves nothing bringing up

My wife is the same. In fact, just yesterday I brought up the idea that she go to individual counceling so that she might discover why infidelity seemed like a reasonable road to take. She said, basically what your wife said: going to therapy won’t work. What makes my wife’s statement so interesting (and mind blowing) is that she has her master’s degree in phycology. She is a college trained, straight A therapist who doesn’t believe in therapy!!! And to support her belief, she chose not to go into private practice. At least she’s consistent. 😊

My therapy is reading this forum and writing poetry. I’ve poured my heart out writing some
painful poems but the reason I chose poetry over journaling is that poetry gives me a beginning and an end to what I write. This might sound strange but I can wrap the painful thoughts beginning to end in a poem. Doesn’t fix anything but it sorta puts the pain inside a box so to speak!

Poetry was how I survived my emotional crises that I was, like yourself, burying deep into my soul. Someday, if you are willing or wish to, please consider PMing me some of your poems. I know that is a big ask for I have no doubt they are enormously personal. I know mine are. But it is a way, with great deniability, to share types of pain that pros just cannot fully explain.

Asterisk

Asterisk, you understand so well, that helps me more than you’ll ever know!

My wife and I don’t talk about the affair. She told me she "punished me" by doing this to me.
The only reason I threatened to tell my son was after I triggered a couple of years ago I was about to lose my mind because she never told me anything about her affair. My mind games had 31 years to imagine what she did with another man to punish me.

I was going crazy after my big trigger and I needed her to tell me what happened before I lost my mind. Threatening to tell my son was the only way she would tell me the whole story! I wouldn’t have told my son because I promised her I wouldn’t, it was a bluff but thank God it worked! The mind games subsided greatly after she told me exactly what transpired between them, she didn’t hold back.

We are probably at the "companion stage" but she still wants me to romance her and take her out on dates but that’s very difficult for me to do.

Just like you Asterisk I thought if I could understand why she did it things would be better but I know I’ll never understand why, she says she doesn’t know why so how can I know why?

Yes, please nobody bury the pain, it will slowly work its way back to the surface.

That’s ironic about your wife and therapy considering her Masters in Psychology!

I will definitely PM you some of my poems because they will probably resonate with you, in fact I’m sure they will!