SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted here before, and well… seven months later, life happened. I got into a relationship, and it didn’t work out. Recently, my ex-fiancée has started being friendly again. We’ve even been intimate several times over the last three weeks.

Fast forward to tonight: after we’d been getting close lately, my ex-fiancée told me the affair partner is still in the picture, seven months later. She said she loves me and likes me more than him, but that the sexual chemistry with the affair partner is great, and it’s hard to let go of because it excites her that’s why she hasn’t tried being in a relationship with me or bringing her family back together. She also said she’s not in a relationship with him that she can cut him off but it would be hard.

I’m confused. Things have been different between us lately, in a good way, but I’m at a loss for words because she partially lets me in for moments and then shuts down completely. When she told me this, I couldn’t help but respond with, "That’s exactly what we used to do before the kids…" She said, "I love talking and spending time with you, but I want you to find that exciting chemistry with a different girl too." I asked, "So, like an open relationship?" and asked how she’d feel if I had a girl over all the time. She said she wouldn’t want that, but would want it "scheduled."

I still love this woman, but I can’t be the side dish

OMG dude your ex has to touch grass. AP tingles her ovaries, but doesn't make her feel special, so she is now trying to outsource that to you. I am all for you finding excitement with other girl and a ball and a chain is not going to help you with that. Just thank her for her time and send her away.

There is no way I'd want to be in a relationship like that. I don't share my wife with anyone. I would give her her walking papers.

Couple of things.

Very few people on this site practice ethical non-monogamy. The only one who posts here regularly is a wayward and can’t post in this forum. You might want to ask this question in the R forum here. I’m sure there are other sites where ENM advice can be obtained as well.

But before you do that, you should consider what you actually want. You wanted, and perhaps still do, to marry her. You wanted, and perhaps still do, for that marriage to be monogamous. So the first question is, do you actually want to share her?

If the answer is no, then there’s no need to ask further questions. The two viable paths out of infidelity are R and D. But they have to be done properly. R needs two fully committed people who are pursuing the same objective together. D requires maximal emotional detachment. If you pursue one of those paths but don’t do it properly, you just have limbo and have extended your emotional pain.

You didn’t have a choice, she left you for AP. So it was D for you, but you failed to detach over the past 7 months. I’m not taking a shot at you, I’m just describing what happened. But you stayed in infidelity unfortunately.

It doesn’t even look like she’s really offering you R. She loves talking to you and spending time with you. You know what that is? That’s a friend. She will still sleep with you. You know what that is? A friend with benefits. That’s what she wants from you. She literally told you to find someone else to save sex with. She tried to have a relationship with AP, but he’s not that great a guy. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be in a relationship with her. He just likes having her for booty calls. So she wants your companionship but his dick. Some guys can handle that, and maybe you’re one of them. No judgement from me. But I could not deal with that personally - I just don’t have the time and energy to juggle multiple women, and there’s too much going on in my life to add all the jealousy, insecurity, and just flat out drama that must certainly come with that.

So figure out what YOU want out of this and make your decisions accordingly. Her idea is that you guys are together; you love each other romantically and are best friends, co-parents and sometimes lovers; but your main sexual outlets are other people. What’s your idea for a relationship with her?

If you are posting here, that is probably a clue that this is not what you want. You should not settle for less than you want.

We’ve seen stories here where the WS talks the BS into an open marriage- it doesn’t work. Your WS wants to be a cake eater- have you for all the security and friendship and history, and then the AP for excitement and to fill the gaping hole in her soul. How does this work for you?

What do you want? Decide that, and then work toward it.

You've already received a lot of good advice. Have you looked at your situation from the 30 thousand foot level yet? You have a woman who's demonstrated a high need for sexual excitement and whatever complex mishmash of fantasy payoff that entails. Given the generally infantile nature of this kind of behavior, you're not dealing with a mature, rational adult.

You're also not dealing with someone who will probably stop with just one AP. She doesn't tell herself "no" in those crucial moments when the future of others hangs in the balance. She's marginally choosing you right now because it suits her to do so. Now that you know who she is and how much excitement she needs, in what world do you ever see her choosing you alone? At the end of the day, isn’t that what you really want?

Right now you're trying to see whether eating only part of the poop sandwich might not be too bad. You shouldn't have to try to see whether you can bend your life into something to accomodate someone else's emotional dysfunction. Accomodating her would be an instance where you are lighting yourself on fire to make someone else warm. You'll wait a long time for her to thank you for your sacrifice.

Run!

Head games, back & forth, dishonesty, emotional manipulation— it is all what you are getting in this "non relationship" (her term).

She’s not someone you can trust.

I appreciate all the responses more than you can imagine. Its so hard to cut her off or stone wall now because she literately signed a lease on a house 6 houses down from mine.

Man, i love this woman but im a fucking wreck all over again and to make things worse i just had a Disney trip last weekend with her and the kids and she kept saying how it was amazing and how much she loved all of it.

My family is tired of seeing me this way. Im a Psych provider and i cant seem to shake this. Every girl ive even entertained is just not filling the void. I feel dull and the only source of happiness i have is being with my kids and even then im wondering if shes with someone.

She said im trying to " force " it to work and all im asking for is to try with no distractions in between (AP).

Wondering, you are just a few months out, it is normal to feel really down. Your brain has to readjust and it takes much more time then you'd like. Engaging with her, playing family and pretending that she is yours is not helping, it's setting you back. Look, you are trying fill your life with her, but she is not treating you all that seriously, she would rather have AP to be the man and you to be a friend. It's okay, you don't need her, but you need time without her. Tell her that you have incompatible life goals and you need to go low contact, only about the kids, preferably in text. If you want to try open marriage, do it with someone rock solid and very respectful.

My cheating ex had the delusion that she will do her things and I will wait until she wants to hover back. A safe shore between the exciting adventures. A warm, relaxing bath after riding another stallion. The sad thing is that behind her giant ego she wasn't able to see or understand me, if she thought that she can do that with me. I found it disgusting and hilarious at the same time. Her reactions when seeing me move on where tremendously funny and a bit scary. If you want your ex want you more, just move on and get a better girl. I bet she will be full of regrets. You will laugh and cringe and wonder how you could even consider going down that rabbit hole. Are you doing some therapy?

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 12:34 AM, Sunday, August 2nd]

She said im trying to " force " it to work and all im asking for is to try with no distractions in between (AP).

Ok, so that’s the answer to what you want. You want a monogamous relationship with her.

She’s not giving you mixed messages, Wonderinghome. She’s being pretty clear. Of course she had fun at Disney with the kids. That’s fun! She wants to be able to do stuff like that with you guys, but without having to stop sleeping with AP. I re-read your posts. She tried to have a relationship with AP, but it must not have worked out. Do you know why?

She told you to find a new sex partner. That’s pretty clear messaging Wondering.

You’re not trying to "force" it to work any more than she is. You guys just want different things.

I feel dull and the only source of happiness i have is being with my kids and even then im wondering if shes with someone.

You sound depressed. Have you seen a mental health provider about that? Maybe get some ADs?

You should tell her that you’ve thought about her open relationship proposal and you realize that it’s just not going to work for you. You love her and she’s your best friend and as such you want her to be happy. You don’t want to force her to do anything, and since AP is the one that floats her boat, you’re not going to ask her to stop seeing him. But you’re not going to remain by her side as her best friend while she does it. You’re going to detach emotionally from her, and the two of you should just concentrate on being the best co-parents you can be.

And from then on, keep all conversations to the kids. Full 180. If she says it’s not fair you’re trying to force her, you say "I’m sorry you feel that way." All you’re doing is setting your own boundary.

Don’t be her backup plan. How can you be in a relationship when she’s thinking about the AP? You should continue to move on and find a partner that’s 100% all in.

There is a comment, may be British, that says you are being nibbled to death by ducks. It tickles a little but you are dying even though you don’t notice.
At some point you are going to have to say NO…very loudly…and mean it. She is not your wife, your significant other or your friend. She is a user and an abuser.
You know those horror movies where the audience yells, "Don’t go in the dark basement!", "Don’t get in the car!" Well, this is me yelling, "Don’t answer the phone! Don’t look at a text! Don’t open the door! There is something really scary on the other side…your wife!"

There’s just no way I could stomach even looking at a person who would tell me they like sex with their AP better.
You should quit spending energy on trying to work on that "relationship" and instead redirect it to finding out why you would accept such behavior towards you.