SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Partner of 17 years was recently found to be having an A for about 6 months. D-Day was February 1st. We'd actually gone on a date the night before, and the following morning I heard her on the phone with someone in another room. The tone and inflection of her voice were something I hadn't heard in years and my heart sank, because I knew it wasn't one of our kids or her family. She initially lied about it being a female friend so when I asked to see the contact in her phone, the contact was listed as "Kate and Mark Sxxxxx"

A quick Google searched and Facebook search revealed there was no Kate, and the "Mark" was a single guy in our town she'd mentioned in passing before. Then the trickle truth began: we're just friends, etc. etc. A search of phone records revealed they were in communication constantly via text and call. After a long, sleepless weekend of arguing and discussing next steps, I told her that NC was the only option. She needed to text him and tell him it was over. Next day I discovered she had gone to his house to tell him in person because she just couldn't do it via text. I doubt anything was ever said except "my H knows."

What then ensued was 2 months of me having a mental breakdown over the betrayal, following her around the house and around town, only to discover that contact was still going on. Then I discovered her unsent love letter to him that detailed all of her emotions about him and the "love she'd never felt before." It was all I could do not to vomit.

We have recently had a deep discussion about where things go now. Our lives seem impossibly intertwined. We run a business together and have a significant amount of business and personal debt jointly and neither of us can afford to move out. So every day is a special kind of hell for me trying to manage my anxiety and depression and coexisting with her, AND working together every day. Our last discussion was her pitch of trying to reset our relationship, and wouldn't it be better if we both dated other people but ultimately "chose" one another if it was meant to be. Granted, I'm not blameless in how our relationship deteriorated over the years and emotional connection was definitely lost.

I can't help but think she's just being a cake-eater at this point, and only mentions this because she wants to continue the A and rid herself of her guilt by putting me back on the market, all the while ensuring she still has an income with our business. But I'm in such a mental fog some days I can't tell if this is really an adult way to look at what was a rocky relationship that needs a reset, or if I'm having my nose dragged through Sxxt a little more.

Scott, I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through.

First of all, it’s not your fault that she chose to cheat. It’s fine to accept some responsibility for the condition your relationship, but the choice to have an affair is hers and hers alone.

I think you have read the situation correctly. She knows what she’s doing is wrong. She’s seen your agony over the past two months. She wants the story to be "Scott and I decided to see other people", not "we broke up because I cheated." She also wants you around to help pay the bills and be there as a fall-back plan. Seeing other people is the opposite of resetting your relationship, it’s breaking up and being single.

Since you know what the pick me dance is, you know better than to do it, as it will only serve to exacerbate your misery. Since you don’t want to do that, and you don’t want to co-habitate together as colleagues while you date other people, that leaves you only one option.

She’s not going to end her A, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to make her. The people that get themselves out of infidelity do it by taking control. They become the deciders. They say, I will not stand to be treated this way, and start taking steps to end the relationship.

For your emotional health, learn the 180 - read this and make sure to read the FAQs. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Speak to a lawyer or two on Monday. Google just told me that Oregon does not recognize common law marriage. Understand your rights and responsibilities. Is the house in your name only?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks.
First, don't do the "pick me" dance, it's not worth it.
Are the children very young? Even with young children, do a 180, have a separation at home, work on yourself and decide if R is worth it.
Is AP married? Does he have children? And how long has the A been going on? And by no means blame yourself for the A. The marriage may not have been going well, but that doesn't justify cheating.

I’m sorry you are being dragged down this path.

Finding out your wife is cheating is the first knife to the heart. The second is her suggestion to "date others". Basically she’s asking your permission to cheat.

My H had a similar proposal - give him 90 days to "decide" if he still wanted to be married. Stupidly I went along. I realized that I was being auditioned to remain married to him. I was being compared to the OW.

I suggest you get a financial plan together AND seek out some legal advice. Being prepared (just in case) puts you in the position of at least having the info you need to make decisions (if it comes to that).

Your goal here is to get out of living under the infidelity black cloud. You may want to read up on the 180 and understand its importance in protecting you.

You have a tricky situation due to your business relationship being locked up with your marriage. It makes things more complicated. Which is why I am suggesting you get legal advice NOW.

Hi, Scott.

At first I thought that your screen name was your full name.

I thought to myself that I'd better tell you to change your screen name to remain anonymous.

But a quick Google search found that your name is the name of a mountain.

So, it's all good.

Btw. Welcome.

So sorry it had to be here.

But, this is a best place to get help, compassion and understanding.

Thanks to everyone for the replies. This seems like a really welcoming community. Yes, I'm meeting with an attorney next week just to get some basic questions answered. I suppose that means I'm at least thinking about how to move through this. One thing I believe, any type of potential R means I have this nagging doubt that may never go away. Having read the stories of others, it sure seems like a scar that never fully heals and I get it.

One thing I can't get over is how she lived this double life essentially. In hindsight a lot of gut feelings and things that seemed off totally make sense now, but I can barely keep up with my real life let alone try to manage a second one. She maintains it was an EA but then some trickle truth comes out that they "cuddled and kissed" so the writing is on the wall. Amazingly, after DDay and the story initially being it was only an EA, her pitch was "we're just friends and I like talking to him. Can't you see how much better sex is lately now that I have a social outlet?" Thats one of many things that pinball around in my skull from time to time. ugh

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 6:40 PM, Sunday, March 29th]

Scott,

So sorry you had to find us, but it’s a great group of people who know what you are doing through. One thing we see over and over again is that if two adults have the ability to be physical, they are. And that nearly ever WS minimizes initially to what they think they can get away with. EA turns to kissing turns to slept together but nothing happened to sex three times to sex whenever they could. I’m not saying that happened, but please be prepared for trickle truth. It’s so common that it’s cliche.

Please protect your finances. If you are not married, there’s not protection of assets in place, so make sure you have records of all finances and keep copies where she can’t access the records. And see your business lawyer, too, to protect your livelihood.

Read in the healing library and in the JFO forum, especially posts with the bullseyes (they may be back a few pages).

Make an appointment with your doctor for STI/STD testing, and request a full panel. Do not have unprotected sex with her. Cheaters lie, a lot, and this is an area they lie about a lot. The last thing you need is a little souvenir that affects your health.

Take care of yourself - eat healthy food, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol and drugs (ask me how I know this one , get daily exercise and sleep. If you are having trouble eating, drinks protein shakes. If sleep or anxiety are a problem, see your doctor. Infidelity is a mindfck and it really impacts your health. Taking physical care will help with the roller coaster of emotions.

Keep posting, and know that you can get though this.

Read "Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo" by Michele Langley. Two volumes; quick read. She has a website you can download from.

Described my WW to a "T."

It’s not good news.

Best wishes.

Ooops! Wrong thread.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:24 PM, Monday, March 30th]

any type of potential R means I have this nagging doubt that may never go away.

Not exactly. If you heal, you'll come to the knowledge that you can trust yourself. You'll get comfortable with the knowledge that you can't control other people (even though they can hurt you). You give up trying to control the outcome. Whenever doubt arises, you see your reality clearly enough to follow up appropriately.

My reco is to think in terms of your requirements for R and how you'll know whether or not they're being met. Lay them out for your WS. If they sign on to meet them, R starts. If they don't, D probably starts.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:36 PM, Monday, March 30th]

See my tagline?
I truly believe it. I do think we are accountable for our own happiness, and that we can nearly always find ways to improve or add to our happiness.
Of course I’m not so naïve as to think it’s just a question of deciding to be happy, but it is a decision to evaluate where you are and then take actions to get to a better place. Maybe not "happiness" as in how we might feel at some ride in a theme-park, but rather "happiness" as being one step closer to being content with where we are.

Your partner is offering you something. Your options are basically to accept her offer or refuse it. I have a feeling that for her it’s easier: She has decided to not end her affair, and is now waiting for you to accept that. Hoping that some belief that maybe some day in the future she will chose you – and you will still be there waiting for that day.

I can share that there are numerous examples in history of a spouse "accepting" their partner has a lover. There is a certain "agreement" not to question the spouse when they go "fishing" late into a Saturday evening (even if they never take their gear with them), and an expectation to be discreet, shower and use protection. You can find online old recordings of a French presidents funeral where his wife walks behind the casket along with their kids, and a few feet behind them the mistress with their daughter. It’s some version of what I think your partner is offering you now.

You mention that your lives are impossibly entwined.

Maybe a good first-step for you is to untwine. Maybe to evaluate the business, the debts, the assets, the business… Maybe clarify the picture so that your personal relationship is no longer controlled by the business part of it.
Maybe a good first step is to talk to an attorney, seeing as she’s your partner (thereby assuming not married). In whose name is the business? Who is on the hook? Who is the income generator, and who is the management part.
Maybe evaluate what it would be if you both arrived at work at 8:00 and left the office after work to go separate ways. Maybe create a clear distinction between work and home.

Basically separate the business and the personal. Make it clear what debts are business, and what debt is personal. Seeing as not married then who is on the hook for each.

Who knows – MAYBE you can just walk out leaving her with it all – and restart somewhere else. Or maybe you can just fire her, and assume all the debt into a business that you can own, manage and run by yourself. Maybe.
Doubtful… chances are there is some entwinement but at least gather info to simplify that.

I fear you might use the "impossibly entwined" issue as a reason to remain in this personal relationship despite her ongoing affair. It’s a business-oriented version of "have to stay for the kids" and/or "can’t afford to divorce".

There is no shame in reconciling.
IF your partner decides she wants YOU, and if you two work out what works for you then there is no shame in doing that. But while she is in any form of contact, or is pushing for permission to be with OM… then you don’t have the option of reconciling – unless you are willing to change your requirements.

Maybe you just tell her "no thanks. I'll sit out this dance."

As your title states, and as you express in several moments within your posts, you know exactly what you're wife is trying to do. She's trying to keep you on a leash while she continues her affair with the other man. She wants to do whatever she wants while maintaining the comfort and stability of your marriage.

Our last discussion was her pitch of trying to reset our relationship, and wouldn't it be better if we both dated other people but ultimately "chose" one another if it was meant to be. Granted, I'm not blameless in how our relationship deteriorated over the years and emotional connection was definitely lost.

None of this is your fault... and I can say that without knowing you or much about your relationship than what you shared here. You just had a date night the night before Dday. You are so in tune with her emotional state that you could tell just by an inflection in her voice that she was speaking with someone with whom she is intimate. And you wouldn't be on an infidelity forum second guessing yourself and doing mental gymnastics to justify why you ought to give her a second chance if you weren't in love with and committed to your wife.

Have you considered the fact that may be your relationship deteriorated and the connection was lost because you're married to a selfish asshole who could maintain a straight face while proposing dating other people to her heartbroken husband?

I can't help but think she's just being a cake-eater at this point, and only mentions this because she wants to continue the A and rid herself of her guilt by putting me back on the market, all the while ensuring she still has an income with our business. But I'm in such a mental fog some days I can't tell if this is really an adult way to look at what was a rocky relationship that needs a reset, or if I'm having my nose dragged through Sxxt a little more.

That "mental fog" you're feeling is what happens when you're in a state of trauma and being cruelly gaslit by a manipulative person. If you think that your mind is playing tricks on you, then trust your gut instead... which is that you're wife is unrepentant, unremorseful cake-eater who is trying to drag you down to her level.

Don't take the bait.

Do what you know you need to do.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:19 PM, Monday, March 30th]