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It's been almost 4 years since first D-day. We are trying to reconcile, and we have been more or less OK considering the timeframe and everything he did. I am not healed yet, not by far, but things are gradually improving, each year is a little bit better than the previous, so I do think we are heading in the right direction. WH is doing a lot to make me feel safe and is showing me every day that he is all in, so in the last year or so I really started to believe we may have a fighting chance, even though I still keep a wall between us, I still don’t let him as close as we were before, because I just don’t trust him enough yet. His affairs are still on my mind daily, but not like at the beginning, they don't consume my whole day anymore and APs are, or were up to now, rarely on my mind anymore. WH changed his job but works at the previous one for 3-4 hours a week and AP1 still works there full time. He has no contact with her, at worst he sees her in the hallway from time to time, but he ignores her, and she also hasn’t made any direct contact for 3,5 years, not since he sent her a NC letter with info that she wasn’t the only one he was screwing. AP2 has been totally out of the picture for the last almost 3 years. He dumped her on D-day, but she was then threatening suicide, so they had some very limited contact in the next year or so. I agreed to it, even supported it, because I really didn’t want him to have something like that on his conscience and she was so pathetic I really didn’t consider her a treat. Ultimately, we both agreed the continuous contact did no good, not to anyone, so he cut her off completely. So things were good for me, for us. As I said, his affairs are still on my mind, but I was dealing more with me, my healing and with us and our relationship and I was watching his actions and APs kind of faded into background. They are not important, like something disgusting stuck on the sole of my shoe, that I couldn’t completely get rid of, but not worth thinking about. But now, the stench is back and the way they can still affect me caught me by surprise.

A month or so ago, WH got the news that AP1 is divorcing. Apparently her BH went madhatter and then dumped her for his AP. Which really made my day. For one, she totally deserves it, finally karma got her and she was served exactly what she had planned for me. Also, it lessened my guilt for not telling OBS about the affair. What is not so great is how WH got the news. It was given to him by a mutual friend, co-worker, the only one who knew about the affair at the time it was happening. And she said the divorce is not common knowledge yet, even AP’s kids don’t know about it yet, but the mutual friend had "permission" to tell WH. I am pretty sure, it wasn’t a permission and AP1 actually asked the co-worker to tell him, because she is fishing, letting him know she is still available and waiting if he takes the bait. He didn’t, he did everything right, told me immediately, told the co-worker he isn’t interested, but it still rattled me. Well, at least she has enough pride left in her not to come to him in person, but after this, I am not even sure of that anymore.

Then last week he came home from work and told me they got an internal memo about new employees in June and AP2’s name was on the list, as a secretary in one of the departments. He wasn’t sure it was really her, name and surname are not that uncommon, but unfortunately it is. Not surprisingly, she came to his office a few days later. He recorded the entire conversation, so I know everything that was said, short version is, she is still devastated, hasn’t been with anyone since him, can’t live without him in her life and wants at least to have coffee or lunch with him sometimes, blah, blah . She said she needs someone to support her and he is the only one who ever did that. Pathetic, no spine, no self-respect, no nothing. And then she faked fainting right there in his office. You just can’t make that up. Obviously, he told her no way he will ever do anything with her again, not even coffee and asked her not to come to his office ever again. She is not in his department, so there is no need for that, ever.

Anyway, knowing the both are still pining for him makes me, I don’t know what exactly. Definitely angry, but also so sad again and uncomfortable, on edge, whatever. A step back for sure. And I hate it, that I let such lowlives influence me again. I can’t believe people can be so pathetic. It’s been 4 years, he told them both he wants nothing to do with them, they know he was a piece of shit, and after all this time, they are back, BOTH of them. How can anyone do that. And I get the irony, what he did to me is a million times worse than what he did to them, and I am still with him, but at least I am staying with a person who wants to be with me and is working every day to show me that and they are holding on to a fantasy, that was never real. I just don’t get it. And I am not even afraid he will start anything with either of them, I mean it is not impossible, he has shown me before, what he is capable off, but I really don’t see it in him right now. All his actions in the last years point to him really changing. And even if he did start anything fishy again, I am healed enough, that I know I will be just fine without him. Divorce is still an option for me, even if he does everything right, so I already have a backup plan and if he fails, I am ready to execute it immediately. So why did this affect me so much? Why am I so down again? I vented to him obviously and I am venting here, with hope it will be of some help to get it out of my system. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want him to change his job again, they are limited in his field and what would be stopping her from following him again. WH is prepared to do it, he suggested it immediately, before we even knew the new secretary really was AP2, but the truth is I don’t see the point. I guess I will have to find a way to live with this. I really didn't need this in my life now

On the upside, at least I know for sure now that I am not plan B

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 12:51 PM, Wednesday, June 11th]

There are many positives from your post that show how much you have healed. Having been in your shoes with OW who won’t give up, I want to offer some advice to help you.

Your H has recognized the seriousness of the situation by recording that last interaction. So I’m going to by-pass the whole "will he cheat again" discussion b/c it appears as though he’s doing the right thing.

Now to the OW. All of them. Often they are desperate lonely souls who are needy clingy people who are very unhappy. They cling to anyone who shows them any sort of empathy or compassion. And they will continue to go back to the well for more, if it’s an option.

Otherwise who would be content to be a side piece? Smart confident people with morals see an affair for exactly what it is. However too many people believe the dopamine rush is "true love" and all that crap when it’s nothing more than escape from reality.

As the betrayed spouse heals, I notice one thing that many of us have in common. We don’t fear D, we are not afraid to face the situation head on AND we are not cowards. We are strong people who value ourselves and are not afraid to face the future w/ the possibility of being D.

While it is not the ideal situation for the OW still working with your H, I believe once the shine has worn off, the OW is more hated than ever before b/c of the disgust the WS now has.

I hope this helps you.

While I know how you feel about the As and the fact that they're still working at the same place, believe me, I know how you feel about that, I think it's a great sign that your WS told you everything that was happening and even took the extra step to record the conversation with AP2 and played it for you. She sounds pathetic, and your WH sounds committed to you.

This sounds horrific! I would completely lose my mind if my H's APs came back and begged for love.

As for your H's reaction to their pleas, I would grade it as a C-. He should have shut done any communication instantly and only let it go past "hello" if he had read them the riot act. He should have told them they were complicit in the most depraved behavior he has ever exhibited and he is disgusted with himself for ever having anything to do with them, and he is disgusted with them still. He should have told them they were objects he used for his unresolved trauma and they could have been anybody. He should not have listened and recorded so you could hear that he (allegedly) didn't return any affection.

If my H were to ever run into his APs, his plan is to either ignore completely or scream at them. Nothing else. Even letting them talk lets them know he cares enough to listen.

Man, that would be such a trigger for me to know they are all still indirectly in contact with each other. And that's assuming your WH would never cheat again. Just their presence in proximity to your man.

I know he's made it clear through his actions that you are not plan B, but I still think he could do more with this workplace situation to ensure you feel like the goddess you are. I think that he didn't and still runs into them in the hallway is what's getting you down.

The 1st wife has given you some great advice. I too see that you have healed so much through the things she noted. You are confident in the things you need to be.

I think you are having a trauma response. It takes time for us to get trauma out of our body. I would try EMDR therapy to try and release more of it. Other options might be tapping, yoga, or even acupuncture.

Thank you all. I agree, I have come a long was since that scared BW 4 years ago, who couldn't imagine her life without WH and who entered R for all the wrong reasons. I am so proud of myself, of my strength, of being able to survive and even starting to thrive a little bit. And I was proud I was able to stop ruminating about the affairs and especially about APs, proud that I closed a part of this ugly chapter and that is why my reaction now has somehow dissapointed me. When WH first told me about the possibility that AP2 is coming to work at his institute, I was more calm about it then WH was. He was really shocked and concerned about me and I was like, she is not important, I am not worried, we will get through this. But afterwards, especially after she came to him (which was totally expected) my response was so much worse than I expected. The whole ugly mess is again taking too much space in my head. I guess consequences of the trauma are still very much real for me and I will have to give myself some grace.

Revenger, I agree, in a perfect world, he should shut her down immediately, tell he he is disgusted by himself and her and throw her out of his office. Unfortunately, even though he is not her boss or supervisor, he is holding a higher position than she and he has to be careful with his interactions. I think he handled everything really well and I don't believe my anxiety stems from his actions. He remained very calm but firm in trying to get the message through, that no way they can ever have any kind of relationship, not even on the aquaintances level. If he yelled at her, read her the riot act, or told her exactly what he thinks of her coming to work there, it could become problematic if she decided to take revenge and tell HR about it. One of the reasons he recorded the entire conversations was also to have proof of how he acted with her and that she was the one who was pushing. He will ignore her, if he runs into her in the hallways, just as he does with AP1, but when she came to his office, it was a different story. I hope she got the message, otherwise, if she keeps coming back, he will have to do something about it.

And thank you for the goddess comment . I know I am the prize and I am pretty sure WH does as well.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 1:26 PM, Thursday, June 12th]

Hard to really criticize the way your husband handled things. If you think about how easy it could have been for him to hide this information, yet came straight to you is really showing you his character today.

If I were your husband, I would be really nervous about AP2. A woman who says she can't live without him and faints in his office is not playing with a full deck. I also don't think it's a mere coincidence that she started working at his company and one of the first things she did as an employee was try to restart their relationship. It could be very perilous for him if her grief and desperation turns into rage.

My inclination would be get ahead of it and go to HR, and let them know that he doesn't want any contact with this person at all, but I know that could be awkward potentially open up a can of worms. But that's just the shit sandwich of consequences that a WS has to eat from time to time.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:31 PM, Thursday, June 12th]