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My WS has been out of state helping out his family since his dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer. He's been gone about two weeks and is coming back tomorrow because our daughter has her dance recital this weekend. While I know that she deserves to have her father there, I am not happy he is coming back. We have have barely spoken, just texts mostly about kid updates. I know he said he was going to give me space but I feel like he's just ignoring me. And I said he would stay somewhere else so I don't have to see him but I don't know if he really will. I am just so freaking sad all the time now and I don't know how to get through all this. I feel worse now than I did a few months ago.

Friend – I went and looked at your previous posts.
Gently – wouldn’t this be an ideal time to talk about some resolution to your relationship? Be it a formal divorce, a more set separation or some organized attempt at reconciling?

I would like to have a more formal decision about what we are doing but he can't seem to give that to me right now. I don't know what he's even thinking anymore.

Again, gently, what happens is not up to him. Hasn’t he made enough unilateral decisions for everyone? You can decide what you want and move forward. He doesn’t have to give permission.

Why are you giving him all your power? It seems like you are just waiting for him to do something. You asked for space, and yet you say that you feel like he’s just ignoring you. Was your request for space a real request or were you trying to manipulate him into missing you and coming to an epiphany?

You are sending a lot of mixed messages and maybe that’s because you're still not sure what you want. That’s okay. But at least try to be clear with yourself about what you're feeling and doing. If you have been waiting for him to pick you and come home a changed man, be honest with yourself about how likely that is.

Can you work with a counselor to address your sadness and the fact that you feel worse now than before? It’s seem important to do regardless of what he does. Whatever happens with your marriage, you have a whole life left to live. Try to focus on yourself and how to make that future as happy and productive as possible with or without him.

Wishing you peace.

I do want him to miss me and change and be the man I thought he was. But I don’t think he can. So I know I need to leave for myself but it’s really hard. I know what I need to do it’s just so hard to give up on us. But he already did so????

I’m sorry you are "stuck". Your head sees things for what they are but your heart has yet to catch up.

It puts you in an awful position. Honestly I think your H wants a D but he’s a coward who does t want to say or do anything to jump start the proceedings.

This way he can tell himself "she wanted the D not me". He can absolve himself of any responsibility for the D so he can be able to tell people "she D me".

As though his lying & cheating had nothing to do with the break up of the marriage.

He’s returning home snd you are very unhappy. What does that tell you ?

I think you are right, he wants me to pull the trigger. What a coward he is. I had IC this morning and my therapist is also encouraging me to stick to my boundaries and not let him come home. I need to be stronger and start sticking up for myself. It's been a year, I need to realize that he is not going to change.

(((AdLarue17))) You are stronger than you realize. I would sit with my thoughts and really analyze what it is you REALLY want for yourself. If you know he isn't putting in the effort to make you happy what would your next steps be? What would you tell a friend or your kids going through this?

I agree with your IC stick to your boundaries for now, focus on yourself and keep watching his actions. They will tell you what you need to do next from an untangled and detached point of view.