SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

foreverlabeled Thank you for taking the time to write all of this and please do not apologise for sharing your own experience because it actually helps me understand what this can look like further down the road.

What is he like when you have brought it up?

At the moment he basically wants it closed down and does not want the infidelities or affairs discussed again and that is the part I am struggling with because I can understand that he does not want to keep revisiting something painful or shameful but I cannot make myself healed by agreeing never to speak about it.

Without those, "repair" becomes performance, a surface level peace that demands your silence as its price.

This really landed with me because I think that is what I am frightened of - things looking peaceful on the surface because I have stopped speaking rather than because anything has actually been repaired underneath. Also, what you said about emotion not being the enemy but distortion being the problem is helpful too - I think I have been trying very hard not to make decisions from anger or hurt but I also do not want being "rational" to become another way of talking myself out of what I can actually see and feel. The clarity part is probably where I am now - not trying to force his clarity or make him respond in a particular way but becoming clearer myself about what I need for healing and what I can and cannot live with if those needs are not met...

Thank you for being so open with me - your experience is difficult to read because I can see why you are warning me but I genuinely appreciate you sharing it.

BIP

What is your story? You may have shared and I missed it.

I too found out many years later.

There is a page in the forum "I can relate" named For Those Who Found Out Years Later. It may help you with some of your questions.

I'm so sorry that you have to hurt this badly. It sucks.

Trumansworld Thank you for this...so my story is quite complicated and I have shared bits of it across different posts rather than putting everything in one place.

My original post was: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/666847/betrayal-discovered-after-24-years--observing-what-comes-next/

The betrayals themselves were many years ago but I only found out in September 2025 and then more came out later which is why it has felt so strange trying to grieve something old that is completely new to me...thank you for the kindness - it really does suck but it helps being around people who understand why finding out years later does not make the pain any less real...