SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your husband wanted stability with you and to get these unhealthy needs met with her.

Sure. I can understand the concept intellectually. It's foreign from my thinking and from the husband I knew and how I imagined he thought. It's difficult to fully comprehend and take it all in and form a complete picture of him and the marriage. It doesn't conform with what he said or how he acted otherwise. I've spoken to him at length, read on surviving infidelity and other adultery sites, and I now have a type of overall comprehension or story. When I was asking questions that may have sounded the same over and over, but were slightly different; I don't feel like I was grilling or testing my WS. I was trying to understand how they felt and thought at that point. Who are they? Who were they then? It probably does feel exhausting to a WS.

The further their thought processes and ideas are from yours, the less you can identify. I had a friend whose husband used sex workers. She said anytime she thought of it, there were more questions. If I had a spouse who invited an affair partner to our wedding, I'm sure I would find myself going through multiple layers of questions. We are fortunate to have people like you here to help.

I have gained more from this site than I could have given. I still do get a lot.

The many questions make complete sense to me. I didn’t get as tired of answering them once I started to catch on to just how catastrophic what I did was. I will say that my husband didn’t ask me as many questions as I did of him. I still ask questions because despite who I am and what I have done, I too had this very pristine image of him in my mind. I can not get it to fit either even though I also intellectually understand a lot of it. In some ways it made me realize this pedestal I had him on was just another part of my own brains circus mirrors.

But I will always miss that version of him too. So some of it you can be closer to understanding but it doesn’t negate the loss. I just do not ever really go there because it is weird to talk about that as if I hadn’t done it first.

I am sorry if this was a thread jack, I will bow out to keep focus on the main question now.

Grammy,

You have a lot going for you here. Obviously not the situation, but your reaction and your thought process surrounding it. You’re not smoking hopium. You’re doing your best to see things as they actually are, not telling yourself lies to make yourself feel better. That puts you way ahead of most people.

I’m sure you’ve read a bunch. Maybe even years back in the just found out forum. If you haven’t, there are great history lessons there. Plenty of years long stories that serve as a warning of what not to do.
The biggest lesson, which I think you already grasp, is what my first paragraph was about. If you try to twist the story around "maybe she just temporarily went off the deep end" "I think she was manipulated!" "It wasn’t entirely her fault, I could have been better" and so on, is just the worst thing you could do to yourself. Us men especially, we want to take on the burden and fix things! Cause that’s what we’re good at. Not here. They have to fix themselves along with making things right with the BS.

Remain skeptical.

Reflecting on title of your thread and something you posted:

MONDAY she asked to come back and that she really wanted to make it work. I threw out my wedding ring, her dress, and all the pictures. GONE FOREVER. I agreed to allow her to remain and we talked calmly and affectionately, she jumped my bones that night and slept soundly, I however didn't sleep or eat and curled into the couch to stare at the wall and cry alone.

Some people relate to others in ways the "other" is not used to or aware - or is not acknowledging.

My take (from experience) - well, title of this thread is why she is what she is.

Maybe she has some shred of or a sort of morality such that she thinks she should not move on out of your life. Or, basic indecision and also no other rock to jump to while crossing the stream. (of life)

Then, some people just don't have whatever it takes to really cotton to someone.

Plan for your relationship to remain iffy or worse and what will you do when you realize no change?

I'd be more concerned about a person who stays faithful out of fear of getting caught. Just as a person who feels need for external validation is at risk of cheating, so is someone who fears (external) calumny is at risk.

IMO, the WS who is worth the risk of R is te person who has decided to change from cheater to good partner. The person whose gut says 'I'm not going to (re)start cheating now' is the good bet for R.

As others have said, you can't know for sure, but you can look out for confirmation over time. Personally, I'm a big fan of love language theory, which is that everybody gives and receives love mainly through the five love languages-- physical touch, quality time, gift giving, words of affirmation, and acts of service. So, beyond doing what you ask of her or initiate with her, you might look out for signs like:

- initiating kisses, hugs, caresses, hand holding, massages, and other kinds of physical affection

- planning dates or trips together, going out of her way to be in the same room as you even if you're doing different activities, inviting you out for errands or to social events that are normally just her and her social group, or accompanying you to such errands or events

- giving you genuine, unique compliments, expressing appreciation for you, writing you love notes, sending you "I miss you" or "thinking of you" type texts, being forthcoming about what she likes about you, or thoughtfully written cards, poems, or songs

- remembering your favorite things and bringing them home when she encounters them, carefully selecting meaningful birthday and holiday gifts, or saving up for gifts for you that require her to go without spending on herself for significant time periods

- anticipating your physical wants or needs and meeting them ahead of time, taking on additional work to make your life easier or more comfortable, or actively looking for projects or tasks to take off your plate

Watch her for a while and see how much effort she puts into any of these things. She's more likely to do them, and do more of them, if she really loves you for you. They can be faked, but faked love language will seem less sincere, and it's hard to maintain for long periods of time.