Thank you Hikingout for your support and for always responding to my posts, your input is always very helpful!
My exact respond to him via text today was:
"There is nothing new I’m hiding from you, but if you ever need me to walk through it again or answer a question in a different way, I will. I want you to feel safe, even if your mind’s racing. I also really think it’s the time of year getting to both of us, June-October is going to be hard."
"I can’t force you to feel safe with me or want to talk to me about your feelings. And you’re right, no amount of proof will change the past & take away the damage I caused you. It’s about accepting that I hurt you & not letting the hurt control you anymore. All I can do is be consistent with positive behavior, keep showing up for you now, and being patient when we have tough times. "
So I’m really glad that my responses aligns with some of the things you mentioned. I know I can’t "fix" the damage just be an aid in his healing. I’m just frustrated with myself for being the reason we are in this situation to begin with and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.
I will say, I no longer feel a sense of shame when these conversations come up, just sadness. In the early weeks of discovery I would respond to him being defensive or angry. Or I would do exactly what you mentioned- telling him he’d be better off alone and that I didn’t deserve the chance at reconciliation. Then I would feel bad about myself for days following the conversations. And the cycle would repeat.
I’m very proud of his progress and my own,which is why I’m so determined to do all I can/ learn all I can to ensure we don’t backtrack. I guess out of curiosity, how long did your spouse experience moments of racing thinking or intrusive thoughts? From what I’ve read for others around the 1.5 year- 3 year mark they have them but rarely and around years 4-6 they are almost non existent. I know everyone is different, but hearing others healing timelines gives me something to look forward to.